Wednesday, December 26, 2007

the future

Thinking about all that has happened in the last year can be a little depressing. although if I only think on those things I loose sight of what is truly important such as the Blessings of Family, a roof over my head (even a travel trailer) food for the table and a pillow for my head. the stress in my life has been high and the low feelings keep creping in but somehow I manage to just breath and make it through what ever is my issue at the time. it is funny how as humans we always have issues about one thing or another and we can take them and run and loose complete control. yes I want a real home I would love to be skinny and yes I would love to stay at home and be mom I would love to not have money problems but they are there and ignoreing them is not a solution that will work so as I look to the year ahead I am hopeing for change planning for the future and praying it all pans out in the end Happy Holidays everyone

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Hello one and all it has been a long while but I came across something today I wanted to share so here it is I hope you enjoy it as much as I did

In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.

He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.

Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either.

If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.

The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.
No luck.

The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.

Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel.
An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.

She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night
until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.

I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.

When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.

As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.

Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered
I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.
I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside, and kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.

And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.

And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.

Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....

THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:

1. "Yes!"
2. "Not yet."
3. "I have something better in mind."

God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar.

You maybe going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine.

My instructions were to pick four people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you.

Please pass this to at least four people you want to be blessed and a copy back to me.

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.

Let's continue to pray for one another. Here is the prayer:......

Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and email buddies reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power.

Monday, September 10, 2007


I got this off of myspace this is really good....Billie


17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class.
The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his
father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever
wrote.." It also was the last.

Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving
home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in
Pickaway C ounty and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck
unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family
portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think
we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of
the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life afte r
death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."

Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with
small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles
by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched
from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very
different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my
attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began
flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I
recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew
exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my
life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and s mall, in a
detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled
with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and
exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense
of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The
titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read,"
"Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some
were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my
brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger",
"Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be
surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I
hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. C ould
it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these
thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each
was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the
files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet
after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it,
shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew
that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through
my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and
drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal
rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these
cards! No one must ever see this ro om! I have to destroy them!" In insane
frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it
and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the
floor, I could not dislo dge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out
a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my
forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled
on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my
hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They
started in my stomach an d shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I
cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file
shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this
room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the
tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as
He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His
response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw
a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every
one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me
with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my
head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over
and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't
say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of fi les. Starting at one end of
the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over
mine on each ca rd. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say
was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these
cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name
of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card
back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll
ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I
heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and
He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still
cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13 "For God
so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believe s in Him
sh all not perish but have eternal life." If you feel the same way forward it
so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I shared the
gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?

You don't have to share this with anybody, no one will know whether you did
or not, but you will know and so will He.

moving again

God has blessed us abundantly. we have to move yet again but, this time our home goes with us. it is never easy to move even if you have a home that has wheels. the kids love it there but due to circumstances we are not able to stay. I am not worried God will place us where we are supposed to be and I am sure that in due time we will have a permanent home. I pray everyday for God to lead me on the path I am to go and to help me with the things that are difficult for me to take and I am confidant that with My God in charge I will be okay. I am hoping I can participate in the NANOWRIMO this year but if not then well I was not supposed to. God is good and I am grateful for the things he has provided my family.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

God is so good

today marks the 1 year of Steve Irwin's death.I have remembered him and how my kids loved to watch him. so to his family you are in my prayers.

I have done some searching and found that God is truly a wonderful God and I want to tell the world about his love and grace. I recently posted on myspace about the what is a christian and I am telling people I see about God and my 5 yr old is telling people about Jesus and that he died on the cross to save us that is to awesome I just thought I would share.

Monday, August 13, 2007

What is a Christian?

I asked myself the other day the same question and the answer that came to me was not quite the same as websters online dictionary.

Main Entry: 1Chris·tian
Pronunciation: 'kris-ch&n, 'krish-
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin christianus, adjective & noun, from Greek christianos, from Christos
1 a : one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ b (1) : DISCIPLE 2 (2) : a member of one of the Churches of Christ separating from the Disciples of Christ in 1906 (3) : a member of the Christian denomination having part in the union of the United Church of Christ concluded in 1961

1a is a firm belief because the teachings is very important but, what you do with the teachings is where my opinion of the meaning comes in to play. I feel that to be a true christian not only do I need to believe in God but, I must strive to live the way He wants me to live. To be Christ like in every way, with EVERY aspect of my life the way I talk the way I dress and what I listen too. I know some claim to be a Christian but if we look at the way they live do they glow with Christ if I were to stand before God today what would He see? I am turning my life around I am praying and I am trying to live with Christ alive in my spirit. I want to have God say well done my good and faithful servant. Being a christian is not a thing or a club it is not "going to church" it is a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ and allowing Him to shine through so we may witness and minister to those that do not believe, are hurting,down or are searching for something to hold on to. A relationship more personal then one we have with our spouses one so special that we can feel Him even if we do not always hear him. As people condemn Christians how wrong are they? can we truly stand up and say yes I am a christian and my life reflects it? Who is to say who is a Christian? Only God.

Friday, August 10, 2007

kids pick up more than we know

My daughter asked me the other day Mommy if you have another baby which one of us will you sell? My jaw hit the floor and I said neither of you so then she says you will love us all the same? and I said of course I will. she was quite for a sec then said it is a good thing you don't want more babies and I said I do daddy does not want more kids and again she says but, why do you want more since we are so hard to handle? again I was speechless and I was unsure what to say but, it got me thinking kids in general pick up on things we would never even considered them to even hear, understand or know. but to think I would sell my kids if I had another one is something I don't understand where she would have gotten that. kids pick up on frustration and I can see the second part but any thoughts on the first statement?

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

to the future

I quit my job today! I have made the choice but it was doing it that was the hard part. I have done it for 4 years and today I am free from it and the headaches it brings. Now I am trusting God to lead me where he wants me to go. to provide and open doors and to guide me to the path I am to follow. at the cross road in my life I am feeling a little nervous. so I ask God to Take my hand and lead in hopes I don't drag my feet to much or end up with my bum on the ground with burns on it. I want to go back to school and get into the schools and be what I have longed to be a teacher. maybe not an official one but any teaching is going to make a difference in a life. When you teach you touch the future and my goal is this if I help just 1 I have made a difference. So here is to life and what it may Bring and to God with hopes of staying on two feet.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

hey I am back sort of

I have to say it has been a long hard journey that is yet to be over. my home is now a travel trailer and my computer is my friends computer. my job I am quitting for school I hope anyway and I am praying for God to make me a better person ,mom and wife today than yesterday and I think God is working I find my self responding to things differently than I normally would. so yes God is good and I am blessed.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

This is Good Bye!

well my friends as the countdown continues my time left with you is short. after tomorrow I will be gone for a while. I am not sure where I am going as to I will not have a home and I am not sure when I will be back if I do get back. My computer is going to storage and I and my family will be seeking shelter. I really enjoy blogging and meeting new people and I know that life will go on even if I am not online. someone asked what my dream home would be and this is what I told them. A home that has four walls a roof and a sound floor one with no broken windows and a door. a wall that faces north south east and west. no particular color is needed as long as it protects. So long for now and thank you for coming to see me off!

Friday, June 01, 2007

I can only imagine

read the two below as well this I just had to add

God works through Email

I got these two emails today and it helped me Thank you to Reese and my mil


On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this, I will >give you a life span
of Twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For
this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you
back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give
back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten
the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play
and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we
slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years
we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at

Life has now been explained to you...


Sometimes we wonder,
"What did I do to deserve this?"
or "Why did God have to do this to me?"
Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how
everything is going wrong,
she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up
with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks
her daughter if she would like a snack,
and the daughter says,
"Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"
"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then?
Or maybe baking soda?"
"Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies:
"Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves.
But when they are put together in the right way,
they make a wonderfully delicious cake!"

God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why He would let us
go through such bad and difficult times.
But God knows that when He puts these things
all in His order, they always work for good!
We just have to trust Him and, eventually,
they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you.
He sends you flowers every spring
and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe,
and He chose your heart.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

God Bless our Soldiers

I am reminded daily of the sacrifices our soldiers make and I am angered at those that do not want to support them. We have soldiers that fight and have fought for our freedom while we sit in our homes safe and warm yet some do not appreciate the sacrifice so today as we look into tomorrow I say cheers to our heros those that are fighting now those that have fought and those that sacrificed some or all May God Bless our country and protect those that fight to keep it FREE...

Courtesy of
Courtesy of

Monday, May 21, 2007

Love and Logic

I am taking yet again the Love and Logic class and every time I do I find new things or remember the old I had forgotten. I am incorporating love and logic in to my life and my words I read a post by Heather at Just a thought about words and it inspired me to write. last week I was telling my daughter in the love and logic way to feel free to talk to me when she was sweet and her voice was as quite as mine, or feel free to get out of the corner when she was happy again or well you get the picture she then told me very calmly mommy feel free to stop using feel free all of the time. I had to cover my mouth and stifle my laughter she caught me off guard but, she has been a little better in the behavior department and it has been nice

Friday, May 18, 2007

Don't drink and Drive

This is Jacqueline Saburido on September 19, 1999.

This is her and her Father, 1998.

This is her on Vacation in Venezuela.

Birthday party as a child.

At a party with friends.

The car in which Jacqueline traveled. She was hit by another car that was driven by a 17-year old male student on his way home after drinking a couple of hard packs with his friends. This was in December 1999.

After the accident Jacqueline has needed over 40 operations.

Jacqueline was caught in the burning car and her body was heavily burnt during around 45 seconds.

With her Father, 2000.

Getting treatment.

Three months after accident.

Without a left eyelid Jacquie needs eye drops to keep her vision.

Now 20 year old, he cannot forgive himself for driving drunk on that night three years ago.

He's aware of devastating Jacqueline Saburidos life.

Not everyone who gets hit with a car dies. This picture was taken 4 years after the accident and the doctors are still working on Jacqueline, whose body was covered with 60% severe burnings.

This is all to real one fatal night a beautiful girl full of promise and a future has had her life destroyed because of a drunk driver please don't let friends, family or any one drive drunk!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

To a mother that left love behind

Dear Rebecca:
even though you have gone to see God tomorrow is mothers day and for the two beautiful children you left behind and the two beautiful stepchildren Happy mothers day and we all miss you. life has not been the same and there have been some holes that are slowly healing but will never be completely gone. with out your smiles life will be very different and for that I am saddened but you are no longer suffering and for that I am grateful. so here is to the mother that always thought of her children and loved them very much Happy Mothers day to you.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Four things

Four jobs I've had
1. Receptionist magno humphries
2. pizza delivery driver
3. Cook
4. CNA
Four movies I can watch over and over
1. Anything shirley temple
2. John Wayne
3. Phantom of the opera
4. grease

Four places I have lived
1. The Dalles, OR
2. Dufur, OR
3. Beaverton, OR
4. Kirkland, Washingon

Four television shows I love to watch
1. Brothers and sisters
2. Ghost hunters
3. young and the restless (yes I like a soap)
4. perry mason

Four places I have been on vacation
1. california
2. silver falls
3. Oregon coast
4. woods camping

Four of my favorite dishes
1. stir fry
2. salad
3. chicken
4. rice

Four websites I visit daily
1. just a thought
2. dailey gratefulness
3. just being me
4. google
Four places I would rather be right now
1. on a motorcycle
2. at disney land
3. shopping
4. flying
So if you want to play along, post the answers to these questions on your blog and let me know so I can check it out.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Are you a redneck? I am 64 %

I got this off of myspace what are you? Billie

For the record, just because you live in a small town, doesn't mean you want to live in a small town.

Post your percentage in the subject!

Have you ever…
( x) have you ever lived in the country?
(x ) shot a gun?
(x ) own a gun?
(x ) hunted?
(x ) driven a truck?

( ) chewed tobacco?
(x ) gone camping?
(x ) listened to country?
(x ) owned a country cd?
(x ) fished?
(x ) worn a cowboy hat?
( ) worn cowboy boots?
Subtotal = 5

(x ) ridden a horse?
(x ) seen a farm?
(x ) worked on a farm?
( x) lived on a farm?
(x ) fed a farm animal?
( ) worn carhartt?
( x) lived in a small town?
(x) worked on a car?
Subtotal= 7

(x ) seen a nascar race?
( ) been to a nascar race?
( ) been to an oval track?
(x ) seen a demolition derby?
( ) seen a figure 8 race?
(x ) talked on a cb radio?
(x ) had a cb in your car?
( ) seen smokey and the bandit more than 10 times?
Subtotal= 4

(x ) watched the dukes of hazzard?
(x ) owned more than two cars that don’t run?
(x ) been to a junkyard
( ) been a racist
(x) been in a ford vs. chevy argument?
() gone cow tipping? (it was when I was a kid! Sheesh)
( ) went frog gigging?
Subtotal= 4

( ) had to ponder whether your family said tire or tower?
( ) been sprayed with deer pee?
(x ) worn camo?
( ) ridden a 4-wheeler?
( ) owned a cabin
(x ) went swimming in the pond?
Subtotal= 2

( ) drank white lightening? (moonshine)
(x ) had your whole family on the front porch?
(x ) thought that wal-mart was the coolest place ever?
( ) own a shirt with a rebel flag?
(x) eaten venison (deer meat)?
(x ) cooked over a fire?
(x ) ever been muddin?
( ) ate squirrel?
Subtotal= 5

Overall= 32

Now multiply your score by 2 and post it as “I’m –% redneck”.

YEEHAWW! If your redneck score is over 50%, you can officially call yourself a redneck

Friday, May 04, 2007

Who won?

I have been depressed can you tell I got in to an argument with myself and I am not sure who won. I keep asking if God really helps where is it? I keep hearing "it is there for the taking you just need some faith." I ask if I have faith why am I not seeing results? I keep hearing "trust" How can I trust if I keep hitting brick walls I hear "faith" it is a circle. I then ask why do other people that may not believe have all the breaks? and again I hear "have Faith like a mustard seed you can move mountains" I tried but nothing "Gods time not yours" my next question is God real " duh look around do you think it was the big bang" so who wins I am not convinced and I am frustrated and annoyed and I feel completely empty now. I have to admit the christian music station I love I have not been able to listen to with out frustration and a little anger. so with this I leave you maybe I will continue to be grateful on daily gratefulness but I think I am signing off for now.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


I have to say I have had some real tests of faith in which I am ashamed to say I failed. I have lost my grasp and this is a really hard thing for me to do. I know God is the provider and I know he answers in his time not mine and I know that God will not give me more than I can handle BUT, I have to say that with this whole house aspect it has been a journey in which I do not want to live again. I have to say that as of now it will take a miracle to make this home thing go through and I am banking it won't. Yes ladies and gents I am having some big doubts. and I hate myself for it. the disappointment on my kids face when we got rid of their dogs for this house because of hard wood floors and now the bigger disappointment of not getting it. I have failed there is no ifs ands or buts about it I failed my family my God and myself I have lost myself and I am not sure I really want to find me again. I have to face reality that I will never succeed or be a home owner and have money in the bank for a rainy day and that hurts. Foster care is out renting is not a place for foster care and that means I have to work when I really want to raise my kids. Yes I have my life all layed out work clean and work some more with out any satisfaction whats so ever. maybe God thinks I am not good enough.

Friday, April 27, 2007

dream home

The house well so far it is not ours. Everything was going well and now well it is not. I have no idea what we are going to do far a home or if we will live in a tent. My faith is being tested and I do not think I am strong enough to pass this test. I am suposed to be out of this drafty house by tuesday we should have been moved two weeks ago. so I am dreaming of my dream home four walls a roof and windows and doors

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Another new blog

I have a new blog called Daily gratefulness it is connected to this one and I will try to list 5 things to be grateful for everyday and I encourage others to write their gratefulness too. go to

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Desire of my heart

It is the desire of my heart to have more children. My husband does not want more I do not know if it is the fear of losing me( because I almost died with my daughter) or what. I saw two kids that are up for adoption and my heart just fell in love with them. I know that God is the one that will either allow it or not. I pray that if this is Gods will that He will change the heart of my Husband and open my heart just a little more too. I also pray that God would help my children to adjust to it with some ease. If this is not the will Of God then I pray that God will heal my longings for more children and fill my heart with the blessings and contentment of the ones I am honored and thankful to already have. Adoption is a big step and it is one I am willing to take. Any prayers and or thoughts welcome. Bless you all

My Husband

This is my Husband Rich. He is an interesting person. We do not always get along and over the last almost 12 years we could have split. I have to say that if I had not chosen to love him I would not be married now. I do not always like him but with the help of God I do love him. He can be selfish but what man isn't at times? and yes he thinks I know what he is thinking but I still like to hear it once in a while. When my cousin died he was there, when my mom had the stroke he was there. at my sisters wedding even though he hates crowds he was there. so even though I don't always say it my husband does care and support me even though I and he has changed. I just thought I would share.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

To throw or not to throw?

Memories sweet memories. I have been packing and sorting and throwing in the midst of all of this I am finding memories I had forgotten about. I have found some things that are ruined and not replaceable and others that brings back some nice things. The problem I am a pack rat in the biggest way so every Little thing I come across I am having to ask is it really that important. my basement has not been this empty in 4 years wow it is amazing what I have found that I forgot I had. I have had a friend helping me and it has made it easier but the papers Hunter made in preschool or a letter from a friend and all of my craft stuff that was hard but my new house has no room for it all oh the sacrifices we make. this week my kids had to give up their dogs and that was hard on me too. So they gave up something I can too. To throw or not to throw that is the question I chose to throw.

Happy Birthday to my husband.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Friends in low places

hey all it has been some time since I have been able to be online. Lots have happened since the last time I wrote. One thing though comes to my mind. I really do not like the "pretend" to be your friend thing when in reality they could really care less. I have a neighbor that seems really nice but, I think deep down inside well she is not. I have suspected this for a long time. I try to be a true friend I make mistakes and for those mistakes I try to make up for them. I am not perfect nor do I wish to be. anyway this "friend" I think is mad because of something I did. I will not get into that but, instead of talking to me she pretty much just ignores me unless I am outside and for general purposes she must say hi. I will be moving soon to my new house again another time for that I will soon be out of "my friend in low places" hair never to be heard from again. Freedom sweet freedom. I will relish the freedom.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Oh for the love of coffee

Oh for the love of Coffee. The smell the taste the feel of it going down. The pain the misery of the migraine. Oh how I miss you my sweet warm tempting coffee and yet how I pay to have you. The rush the exhilaration the alertness that comes with the simple thing we Humans call Coffee. The population runs off the stuff it is the thrill and the excitement and it is very much needed. Oh the longing for the mixture of cherry and vanilla and the sweet cream of the Latte. or the creamy mixture of cocoa and plain creamy creamer and how smooth it is when it goes down the throat and settles contently in the stomach where it goes to work to gently wake up and kick start the person drinking it People Decaf is not the same. Oh coffee sweet coffee how I miss you. I just thought I would share How do you like your coffee?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Where did it go?

When we love someone we should not hurt them. We take vows to love, honor, cherish but somewhere somehow those vows seem to get lost. not on purpose but I think they get forgotten. maybe people lose sight of the love, and everyday life tends to drag them down. I take my vows seriously, I try my best to make him happy but, these days he never seems to be. I hoped getting a house would help but I don't know. this is not what I thought it would be. I see some people they have a wonderful marriage, even when they have gray hair and wrinkles. I thought I would have someone to love me for who I am regardless of how much weight I have gained. but I lost it somewhere. the look is not there anymore, the pet names how do I get it back or am I lost to it forever. I know one thing if I have lost it, I will not EVER do it again. one miserable time is enough to last me a life time.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

God is in the Middle

In the last few months I have had many struggles. I have lost a dear friend, I thought I had a brain tumor, My husband has been sick way to much, I have been dealing with kids that have so many issues that I can't even fathom but most of them are by choice, I had to be on a steroid that sent my moods from one end to the other and yet I still tried to see God. Today the sun is out and it is truly beautiful. many know that we have been in need of a house and I am here to tell you There is one with in my reach Yeah! I got an email today that really made me think and I was inspired to write. I have to say in my whole life I never stopped to find the middle of the Bible I mean the exact middle but today I found it and the realization of it has made me know that God is in the middle of everything I do or at least I hope so. Anyway the middle chapter of the Bible is Psalm 118 a wonderful chapter that I think I may have not fully grasped the meaning you should read it. There are 594 chapters before and 594 chapters after the exact middle verse is Psalm 118:8 and it says
It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put our confidence in man.
WOW talk about amazing this whole time I have been seeking God and not once until today was I even aware of this verse. I am grateful that I have a God that I can turn to. remember the "argument" I had with God well He said "when you trust me"
I started to trust and we have a house that we can move into as soon as it closes and I don't have to stress anymore. God is good and I thank Him for the things he is doing and will continue to do.

Saturday, March 17, 2007


have a great day everyone

Friday, March 16, 2007

look alike cat?

My daughter has a cat named Bunny and on word imp today she has a picture of her cat on there and Khirali thought it was Bunny here is a pic of him. go check out word imp at

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

What is TRUST?

I got in to an argument with God last night of course it was a one sided argument I am truly thankful that God does not yell back, I am thankful for the mercy and grace He gives us. and I Think I heard God when I yelled at Him WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW ME WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BE? and very quietly I heard "When you trust me" I said I want to but, I do not how. I have been struggling with TRUST when it comes to God since last September I have been seeking a home. I have until June and I know that God will provide but I am having the hardest time Trusting God to come through so my family is not homeless and this came to me what is TRUST? What does it mean to me?

Totally rely on God
Respect that God has His own time
Understand that Gods will may not be mine
Seek Gods will in my life
Thank God for the blessings He has bestowed


This is a hard lesson and my frustration level is through the roof. I am weary of the stress between my family and I am so tired I have times that I just want to hide. If I just TRUST I think my life will be a whole lot easier.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Gnilleps and Carcinomas

As I was helping my friend Shannon study for a test we came across some unusual words that could be misconstrued or turned around an used a different way with out anyone (unless in the medical profession) would know the meaning of. and then we or at least she told me about a word that I just love and I decided it would be a word I could use when I get frustrated with out cussing pretty cool huh? OH Gnilleps could be said if I stubbed my toe or if I wanted to I could say stop being a carcinoma to someone that was not being so nice. I know as Christians we should not cuss or say anything remotely close to cussing but as humans we are flawed and so something more often then not comes out of our mouths what I am interested in is this what do you say? what comes out of your mouth when you hurt yourself or someone is being less than nice I would love to hear your thoughts, and the different things that you come up with.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

What are you afraid of?

Today My daughter asked mommy what are you afraid of? instantly a whole list of things just jumped into my head. but she then went on to say you are afraid of spiders and snakes is there anything else? Her being only 5 she would never have understood the things going on in my mind. I wanted to say yes lots of things. here they are.
my kids not loving me, us being homeless, not being able to make something OK, being a bad mommy, losing one of my parents, losing one of my kids, not being the way God wants me to be , not making it in to Heaven, dieing. but I could not say those things to a 5 year old. I know that even though I tend to yank the reigns back that God will watch over me if I give him the chance. I often have to release the controls so that God can direct my life in the way He wants it to go. I have fears but, I have confidences too. God is never late, God will carry me unless, I refuse to listen then, I will land on my ever loving bum in the sand. I also know that no matter what God will always win the tug of war. so If I can stop being human and let God do everything than I might be less of a mess but, I am human and I will always get in a hurry and end up covered in mud all over again. Lord Help me to rely on you and help me to trust that what ever happens you will take care of me. grant me mercy and give me wisdom. I am looking for you to bring the answers open my heart and ears to listen so that I can hear your still small voice. Amen

I got interviewed

Hey I got interviewed by 5 minuets for mom here is the link to go check it out I am so excited.

any way thanks to everyone that came to my Party I hope to continue to here from all of you:)

Friday, March 09, 2007

Visual DNA

Here is my family in a nut shell.

It has occurred to me that I have not introduced my family so here they are.

My son Hunter he is 9 and a good kid.

My 5 year old going on Adult Daughter Khirali.

My Husband Rich.

We have been married almost 12 years and I have to say it has been a journey in which I will never forget. My son has some special needs and it has been a time of retraining ourselves to know that he has certain ways in which he is able to do things and I am not expecting him to do things right all of the time. He is doing well we just got done doing the science fair the pic is from him doing the project. My daughter lets see she is very smart ready for school and is excited to be learning in preschool. she is full of life or something and she lets you know whats on her mind. well I think that sums it up ladies and gents here is my family.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

How many people have your name?
LogoThere are:
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Who would have thought that there are 2 people with the name Billie Haberman in the entire US. go figure. I just thought you would find it interesting. How many people have your name? I would love to hear from you, tell me how many people have your name. I put in my daughters name and it came back with no one has her name. I find it very interesting to know that. I got this from another party goer Just another day in Paradise.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Time stops for no one

There are times when I wish I could stop time! get your attention? I hope so, last night with My cousins husband on the phone we sent 3 balloons and a note to heaven. A special delivery to Becky. Yesterday was her birthday and since my daughter is sick I could not go to her grave and "deliver" my gift to her so last night Cole and I and my Husband did it together. We watched the Balloons until we could not see them anymore. As sad as it is I realized that It releases me from my hurting and I felt so much better doing it. Time is a thing that can not be wasted because we never know when it will run out. Share your love and laughter and see the beauty in the ones around you. Cherish the time you do have because Time stops for no one. God is there to pick up the pieces if we let Him but, sometimes we hold on and don't want to let go. As I have said lots of times Life is a puzzle that is only complete when we go home to see the Lord but, our puzzle is apart of another's puzzle and their puzzle is apart of someone Else's so see the puzzle is never finished it keeps on growing and changing and weather we know it or not we affect other peoples lives that we may not even know. So my advice Love God for ever, create memories to last an eternity, and tell someone you love them.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Ultimate Blog Party

My name is Billie and I am a mom of two 9 and 5. I am a school bus driver and a volunteer in the middle school in the special needs class. I live in Oregon and I love it here. I am a reader and a cook sort of and I write. I entered the NANOWRIMO and hit the 50,000 word mark I am stoked. I love to chat with People and read their blogs. When my friend Reese told me about Ultimate Blog Party hosted by 5 minuets for mom. I was interested. I love to party so here I am and I am inviting you to come and join the Fun!

Sunday, March 04, 2007


my husband and I went to look at houses and one of them had trees lots of trees and with winter ending and spring on it's way the leaves are not on them just yet and I got to see the natural beauty of them. the shapes and all of the twists and turns of the branches all form a unique structure. I am amazed at how God created something so plain in the winter yet simply beautiful to see. one might think of a tree with all its leaves as being in all their glory but to me the bareness of them shows their true form and they are just there for everyone to see no where to hide the simple perfectness of the tree makes me think of life and the people around me. we as humans tend to "hide" from things that may make us uncomfortable. I know I do not like people watching me or judgeing me because of how I may look. God made each of us in his image and even though we are not perfect in our human form he sees us a beautiful each different and not one the same. kind of like the braches of a tree twisting in a different direction going another way from what we may have planned to form one people to glorify God and to Him it is pleaseing. I am going to miss the bareness of the trees the pure honesty of them but then as the season turns I can see the wonder of Gods work as we have a show of color. as we walk in life may we change for the good of God so that we can stand bare before Him and He can see us for who we truly are. Take some time to just look at the trees and see them in all of their beauty before the leaves.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I am Thankful

I like to think that I am in general a good person. sometimes I feel unable to live up to that expectation I have of myself. I understand that in life there is no perfect solution to anything but, I also have so many things I want to achieve. when I am unable to do something I feel I should be able to do, I feel like I let my family down but, on the other hand I am only human and if God wanted perfection there would have been no need to create such an elaborate life on this place we call earth and home. perfection comes only with one and He is the one that sees us as we truly are. I am not convinced that we even see ourselves as we truly are because we are still trying to find out who "we" really is. I am unsatisfied with how my life has been but if I was content then my life would be over. I am striving to find new things, new adventures new discovery into my life and just life in general. I watch people and I am guilty of seeing someone and maybe judging them before I even have the slightest clue as to how they tick. No I do not want perfection and I am not content to just live. I want to experience life and all it has to bring. the day I just lived has been incredible, almost as if I were on a natural high. God is good and he is truly wonderful and I am thankful to him for the things he has done for me. with out Him I would be in a place that is not so wonderful still wondering why I am here but, God has come through for me and I realize that I am truly blessed. I am thankful for my family and the opportunities that have come and, with that I praise the Lord for giving me the time to trust Him. I am not perfect and I do not want to be.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

5 things I wish I could be grateful for

I want to cry. I know there is not a person in this world who has not said these words at least once in their life and I am no exception. the frustration that is welling up inside is overwhelming and there seems to be no end in sight. I am really trying to be positive and have faith but it is hard. I feel like the world is on my shoulders literally and no one is there to help. my head has been killing me and my neck and back hurt too. I know I am whining, I so desperately want a home and that seems unreachable now and my hope is slowly slipping away. My faith is trying to hang on but it to is fading. I know God will supply all of my needs and I know in his time it will all work out. The one thing I don't know is when. when things start looking up something always happens to bring it all crashing down around me and I don't want to do this any more. God is God and I see miracles happening around me but here I sit waiting trying to be strong and just being grumpy instead. I hate feeling helpless and that is what I feel now. nothing in this world would make me happier then to have God say here my child this is what you have been waiting for. My life is not bad but, I have stress that makes me feel so old and I just really want to scream WHEN IS IT MY TURN????????????????????????? then I sit and try to hear the still small voice and all I hear is silence. I suppose God will talk and someday I am sure I will hear but for now I sit and wait and cry and stress and then do it all over again. 5 things I would be totally grateful for is this.............................
  1. to hear Gods voice
  2. to see Gods will in my life
  3. to feel peace that only God can bring
  4. to know that I am moving in Gods direction
  5. worship the Lord with all of my heart and know He hears me.

I am tired and I am frustrated and I am scared that I am not doing what God wants me to do. I am human with flaws and insecurities I am no better than anyone else I have the same hopes and dreams as any normal person yet I am different. the thing is I wish I could say I am happy being different but, apart of me is not happy at all.

Saturday, February 03, 2007


I have been rather down the last few days. I have been missing my cousin Rebecca and I wondered if I could have saved her life if I would have just listened a little closer. I went through the whole guilt thing and telling myself it was my fault. Last night I talked to our friend Tony and he has a lot of good things to say I broke down and cried but, I do not think he knew I was crying. I felt a release and just calm and I knew it was something I needed to do. I felt peace . I have decided to plant a tree in her memory I do not know what kind yet so I am doing some searching and hopefully I will find the perfect one. It was not my fault I could not have stopped it I don't think but, in things like these Someone feels the way I do and I think it must be somewhat normal. I will never know why she died at so young an age but I am grateful for the time I had with her. I miss her and I may always miss her, but she will always live in my memories.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


I find a new blessing in things almost everyday for instance my friend Reese wrote in her blog and labeled it Gods Green Thumb. the whole thing was beautiful and it touched my heart. I think or at least hope it is that way with all good friendship relationships. there is nothing in this world more beautiful than A blessed by God friendship. I have told my son countless times it is not the number of friends but the quality of the friend that counts. I will always enjoy my friend and I pray that God will bless her abundantly. as with anything asking God to be a part of it is always the best way to go.

Monday, January 22, 2007


I have gone through my life meeting different people and some become friends and most don't. In college I met people that were my friends but now I have lost touch. in my adult life I meet people and I think they are my friends but find out differently. there is only 5 true friends I can say I have the number one is God he is the ultimate best friend. the number two is my very best friend Reese we have been friends going on 22 years gee that makes me sound so old. number three is my husband Rich we may not classify each other as friend but we are we may fight but we stick together and that is a true bond. number four is my friend C.J. she is one of a kind but a friend to the end. we live in the same town and don't see each other much but in a bind we are there for each other. and number five Becky our sons are best pals and we developed a friendship we are scout leaders and go to the same church. I have several acquaintances but people that now I don't think of as friend. I am tired of being hurt and having People talk behind my back. I am a trusting person and I tend to believe people are my friends but the realization is in life a few good friends are better than a lot of not so good friends. so here is to my 5 best friends in the universe. I love you all and I am proud to call you friend.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


This is for my friend Reese nananananana nananananana we still have snow. probably not for long but it is so nice to look out my window and see it and have snow days yeah. the thing is I think I am tired of my job it was not so bad when I had the route I started with but this new route with a new start time is kicking my everloving bum. my daughter has to suffer too because she has to get up when I do and go to work with me. frankly I really want to stay at home with my kids but the little money I get from this job helps. I am very frustrated with it all and so the snow gives me some peace that is why I asked God to pour it out and give us like 2 feet but that did not happen but that is okay I got some snow and some days off from the job I am beginning to hate so much. so here is three cheers for snow HIP HIP HORAY HIP HIP HORAY HIP HIP HORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


The snow is falling Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and we actually got another snow day talk about shock we never get snow days and I am loving it. the news said about 2 in we got more like 6 and I am ready to go play and have some fun. I want to go sled and make snow angels and throw snowballs I am a kid again in the snow. WOO HOO SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

100 things about Billie

100 things about Billie

  1. I am blonde
  2. my eyes are blue
  3. I have two kids
  4. I have been married for 11 years
  5. I love to read
  6. I love egg nog lattes (decaf)
  7. I read a lot
  8. I hate house work
  9. I have two cats, two dogs and two newts
  10. I love to write
  11. I am a bus driver
  12. my real name is Billie
  13. I hate shoes and socks
  14. I love classical music
  15. I watch cartoons
  16. I love mystery
  17. I have another id on myspace
  18. my favorite color is purple
  19. I have a website called prayer journal
  20. I love german food
  21. I love to color
  22. I volunteer in a special needs class
  23. I know sign laungage
  24. I wrote a book
  25. I think to much
  26. I love to dance
  27. I love to sing
  28. I read to my kids
  29. I have a beta named frederick
  30. eeyore is my favorite winne the pooh character
  31. I watch walker texas ranger
  32. I love ginger peach tea with french vanilla creamer
  33. I make awesome cheesecakes
  34. rose is my favorite flower
  35. Honeysuckle is the most beautiful smelling flower
  36. I do not drink much pop any more
  37. I like candles
  38. I wish on the first star
  39. I wrote a letter to santa
  40. I love to challenge my brain
  41. I listen to the phantom of the opera
  42. I love trucks
  43. I want a motor cycle
  44. I like to ride horses
  45. I read my friends blog for fun
  46. I hate fish
  47. I am allergic to clams
  48. I laugh at drunk people
  49. I like to take pictures
  50. I jump on the trampoline
  51. I love to stop and smell flowers
  52. I like to go for walks
  53. I love to swim
  54. I wear glasses
  55. I wear contacts
  56. I dyed my hair burgundy once
  57. I love the beach
  58. Christmas is my favorite time of year
  59. I have anniversaries of my 29th birthday
  60. I have 4 neices and 5 nephews
  61. I am to loyal sometimes
  62. I have had my best friend for 21 years
  63. I hate cabbage
  64. love sour kraut
  65. I like death by chocolate ice cream
  66. I love home made jam
  67. I want to learn to water ski
  68. I am my sons cub scout leader
  69. I am into country music
  70. I can not draw
  71. I love to paint
  72. I see people and try to see all the good in them
  73. I jump in leaves
  74. I love water fights
  75. snow is my favorite thing to play in
  76. I like yatzee
  77. I do not like risk (the game)
  78. I want to start a resturant
  79. I have been in a plane
  80. I went to college
  81. I wanted to be a teacher
  82. I watch clouds
  83. I like bubble baths
  84. I like to go 4 wheelin
  85. I want to own my own house
  86. I love to laugh
  87. I play video games
  88. I like skunks
  89. I like kareoke
  90. I kill my house plants except bamboo
  91. I go to church
  92. I love to share with my friends
  93. I bbq all year round
  94. I lived in a town called Dufur
  95. I am tickleish
  96. I blush
  97. I love my family
  98. I blow kisses to my son when he gets on his bus
  99. I collect wind chimes
  100. I get migraines

this was tuff but I did it can you?

Friday, January 05, 2007


I have to admit that I sit and think sometimes about why things happen. I know that I will never figure it out but it makes an interesting pastime. I have to say that with everything that has hit in my life the past few months that I am truly blessed to have my life and the family and friends in it. If I could go out and touch someone like I have been touched then I know I helped someone that may have been in desperate need of it. I am far from perfect and I may not always do the right things but I do try and I ask God to help me along the way. As I continue my life's journey and I reach out to help people around me I know that I am doing something that makes me feel better. so what if my life is hard with my God and my friends and family I know that in the end it will all be wonderful.

Monday, January 01, 2007


As we start out the new year and get ready to go back to school I have made some goals and set some challenges for myself and I know that even if I do not fully complete the challenge I will have still succeeded because I tried. there are many things I would like to see done this year one is to lose some much needed weight, start working out and become closer with the God I serve. I am striving to seek Him and know Him and will continue to until He calls me home. I am striving to never be satisfied with my relationship I want it to grow and become stronger everyday. so as I go into this new year and finish it December 31 2007 I hope to accomplish some of these things. to keep going and learning and striving to reach the goal. instead of resolutions set goals. have a great and prosperous year.