Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I am Thankful

I like to think that I am in general a good person. sometimes I feel unable to live up to that expectation I have of myself. I understand that in life there is no perfect solution to anything but, I also have so many things I want to achieve. when I am unable to do something I feel I should be able to do, I feel like I let my family down but, on the other hand I am only human and if God wanted perfection there would have been no need to create such an elaborate life on this place we call earth and home. perfection comes only with one and He is the one that sees us as we truly are. I am not convinced that we even see ourselves as we truly are because we are still trying to find out who "we" really is. I am unsatisfied with how my life has been but if I was content then my life would be over. I am striving to find new things, new adventures new discovery into my life and just life in general. I watch people and I am guilty of seeing someone and maybe judging them before I even have the slightest clue as to how they tick. No I do not want perfection and I am not content to just live. I want to experience life and all it has to bring. the day I just lived has been incredible, almost as if I were on a natural high. God is good and he is truly wonderful and I am thankful to him for the things he has done for me. with out Him I would be in a place that is not so wonderful still wondering why I am here but, God has come through for me and I realize that I am truly blessed. I am thankful for my family and the opportunities that have come and, with that I praise the Lord for giving me the time to trust Him. I am not perfect and I do not want to be.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

5 things I wish I could be grateful for

I want to cry. I know there is not a person in this world who has not said these words at least once in their life and I am no exception. the frustration that is welling up inside is overwhelming and there seems to be no end in sight. I am really trying to be positive and have faith but it is hard. I feel like the world is on my shoulders literally and no one is there to help. my head has been killing me and my neck and back hurt too. I know I am whining, I so desperately want a home and that seems unreachable now and my hope is slowly slipping away. My faith is trying to hang on but it to is fading. I know God will supply all of my needs and I know in his time it will all work out. The one thing I don't know is when. when things start looking up something always happens to bring it all crashing down around me and I don't want to do this any more. God is God and I see miracles happening around me but here I sit waiting trying to be strong and just being grumpy instead. I hate feeling helpless and that is what I feel now. nothing in this world would make me happier then to have God say here my child this is what you have been waiting for. My life is not bad but, I have stress that makes me feel so old and I just really want to scream WHEN IS IT MY TURN????????????????????????? then I sit and try to hear the still small voice and all I hear is silence. I suppose God will talk and someday I am sure I will hear but for now I sit and wait and cry and stress and then do it all over again. 5 things I would be totally grateful for is this.............................
  1. to hear Gods voice
  2. to see Gods will in my life
  3. to feel peace that only God can bring
  4. to know that I am moving in Gods direction
  5. worship the Lord with all of my heart and know He hears me.

I am tired and I am frustrated and I am scared that I am not doing what God wants me to do. I am human with flaws and insecurities I am no better than anyone else I have the same hopes and dreams as any normal person yet I am different. the thing is I wish I could say I am happy being different but, apart of me is not happy at all.

Saturday, February 03, 2007


I have been rather down the last few days. I have been missing my cousin Rebecca and I wondered if I could have saved her life if I would have just listened a little closer. I went through the whole guilt thing and telling myself it was my fault. Last night I talked to our friend Tony and he has a lot of good things to say I broke down and cried but, I do not think he knew I was crying. I felt a release and just calm and I knew it was something I needed to do. I felt peace . I have decided to plant a tree in her memory I do not know what kind yet so I am doing some searching and hopefully I will find the perfect one. It was not my fault I could not have stopped it I don't think but, in things like these Someone feels the way I do and I think it must be somewhat normal. I will never know why she died at so young an age but I am grateful for the time I had with her. I miss her and I may always miss her, but she will always live in my memories.