Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I have to say I have had some real tests of faith in which I am ashamed to say I failed. I have lost my grasp and this is a really hard thing for me to do. I know God is the provider and I know he answers in his time not mine and I know that God will not give me more than I can handle BUT, I have to say that with this whole house aspect it has been a journey in which I do not want to live again. I have to say that as of now it will take a miracle to make this home thing go through and I am banking it won't. Yes ladies and gents I am having some big doubts. and I hate myself for it. the disappointment on my kids face when we got rid of their dogs for this house because of hard wood floors and now the bigger disappointment of not getting it. I have failed there is no ifs ands or buts about it I failed my family my God and myself I have lost myself and I am not sure I really want to find me again. I have to face reality that I will never succeed or be a home owner and have money in the bank for a rainy day and that hurts. Foster care is out renting is not a place for foster care and that means I have to work when I really want to raise my kids. Yes I have my life all layed out work clean and work some more with out any satisfaction whats so ever. maybe God thinks I am not good enough.