Sigh!!!

my entire life I have always done the opposite of what I have been told I had to do. I have been told take this class in high School so I took a different one and avoided it like the plague. I was told to go to this college and again I did not even apply to it. even in my walk with God I tend to not want to do what I am told I must. wrong? yes, stubborn? definitely, easy to change? NO! the struggles I go through are no worse than what everyone else in the world goes through it just seems that way. my pastor whom I respect and trust (which in it self is an accomplishment trust is not an easy thing for me) told me I need to pray for my husband but, I don't want to I keep asking myself why pray for someone that I do not think I really want to be married to anymore? yes that is my hardest struggle yet. I asked God today how? how do I pray for someone who seems to resist as hard as I have prayed? any answer? not yet but, again my shortcomings patience is not a virtue I seem to have. my brain will not shut itself off and all sorts of thoughts and ideas are running through my head. I asked God to change me and I am willing to be changed, to change my heart if I am to stay where I am. the inner turmoil is so overwhelming I seem to want to cry at the drop of a hat. some say I am depressed maybe, but, I see the sun and smile, I laugh at jokes, and I do have peace sometimes, just, not always. Am I selfish? of course what human isn't? Do I have dreams? not so many anymore they have seemed to disappear. Do I have hopes? sometimes. I see my kids and want the best for them I ask myself what is the best? how do I give it to them? I know in my heart that God is in control He sees the outcome and will always provide, in my head I struggle with when, what, where, and how again Patience is not my strong point. so where do I go from here? I really don't know.