What is TRUST?

I got in to an argument with God last night of course it was a one sided argument I am truly thankful that God does not yell back, I am thankful for the mercy and grace He gives us. and I Think I heard God when I yelled at Him WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW ME WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BE? and very quietly I heard "When you trust me" I said I want to but, I do not how. I have been struggling with TRUST when it comes to God since last September I have been seeking a home. I have until June and I know that God will provide but I am having the hardest time Trusting God to come through so my family is not homeless and this came to me what is TRUST? What does it mean to me?


Totally rely on God
Respect that God has His own time
Understand that Gods will may not be mine
Seek Gods will in my life
Thank God for the blessings He has bestowed

.

This is a hard lesson and my frustration level is through the roof. I am weary of the stress between my family and I am so tired I have times that I just want to hide. If I just TRUST I think my life will be a whole lot easier.

Gnilleps and Carcinomas

As I was helping my friend Shannon study for a test we came across some unusual words that could be misconstrued or turned around an used a different way with out anyone (unless in the medical profession) would know the meaning of. and then we or at least she told me about a word that I just love and I decided it would be a word I could use when I get frustrated with out cussing pretty cool huh? OH Gnilleps could be said if I stubbed my toe or if I wanted to I could say stop being a carcinoma to someone that was not being so nice. I know as Christians we should not cuss or say anything remotely close to cussing but as humans we are flawed and so something more often then not comes out of our mouths what I am interested in is this what do you say? what comes out of your mouth when you hurt yourself or someone is being less than nice I would love to hear your thoughts, and the different things that you come up with.

What are you afraid of?

Today My daughter asked mommy what are you afraid of? instantly a whole list of things just jumped into my head. but she then went on to say you are afraid of spiders and snakes is there anything else? Her being only 5 she would never have understood the things going on in my mind. I wanted to say yes lots of things. here they are.
my kids not loving me, us being homeless, not being able to make something OK, being a bad mommy, losing one of my parents, losing one of my kids, not being the way God wants me to be , not making it in to Heaven, dieing. but I could not say those things to a 5 year old. I know that even though I tend to yank the reigns back that God will watch over me if I give him the chance. I often have to release the controls so that God can direct my life in the way He wants it to go. I have fears but, I have confidences too. God is never late, God will carry me unless, I refuse to listen then, I will land on my ever loving bum in the sand. I also know that no matter what God will always win the tug of war. so If I can stop being human and let God do everything than I might be less of a mess but, I am human and I will always get in a hurry and end up covered in mud all over again. Lord Help me to rely on you and help me to trust that what ever happens you will take care of me. grant me mercy and give me wisdom. I am looking for you to bring the answers open my heart and ears to listen so that I can hear your still small voice. Amen

I got interviewed

Hey I got interviewed by 5 minuets for mom here is the link to go check it out I am so excited.

any way thanks to everyone that came to my Party I hope to continue to here from all of you:)
Billie

Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Here is my family in a nut shell.

It has occurred to me that I have not introduced my family so here they are.

My son Hunter he is 9 and a good kid.

My 5 year old going on Adult Daughter Khirali.

My Husband Rich.

We have been married almost 12 years and I have to say it has been a journey in which I will never forget. My son has some special needs and it has been a time of retraining ourselves to know that he has certain ways in which he is able to do things and I am not expecting him to do things right all of the time. He is doing well we just got done doing the science fair the pic is from him doing the project. My daughter lets see she is very smart ready for school and is excited to be learning in preschool. she is full of life or something and she lets you know whats on her mind. well I think that sums it up ladies and gents here is my family.

How many people have your name?

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 2 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Who would have thought that there are 2 people with the name Billie Haberman in the entire US. go figure. I just thought you would find it interesting. How many people have your name? I would love to hear from you, tell me how many people have your name. I put in my daughters name and it came back with no one has her name. I find it very interesting to know that. I got this from another party goer Just another day in Paradise.

Time stops for no one

There are times when I wish I could stop time! get your attention? I hope so, last night with My cousins husband on the phone we sent 3 balloons and a note to heaven. A special delivery to Becky. Yesterday was her birthday and since my daughter is sick I could not go to her grave and "deliver" my gift to her so last night Cole and I and my Husband did it together. We watched the Balloons until we could not see them anymore. As sad as it is I realized that It releases me from my hurting and I felt so much better doing it. Time is a thing that can not be wasted because we never know when it will run out. Share your love and laughter and see the beauty in the ones around you. Cherish the time you do have because Time stops for no one. God is there to pick up the pieces if we let Him but, sometimes we hold on and don't want to let go. As I have said lots of times Life is a puzzle that is only complete when we go home to see the Lord but, our puzzle is apart of another's puzzle and their puzzle is apart of someone Else's so see the puzzle is never finished it keeps on growing and changing and weather we know it or not we affect other peoples lives that we may not even know. So my advice Love God for ever, create memories to last an eternity, and tell someone you love them.

Ultimate Blog Party

My name is Billie and I am a mom of two 9 and 5. I am a school bus driver and a volunteer in the middle school in the special needs class. I live in Oregon and I love it here. I am a reader and a cook sort of and I write. I entered the NANOWRIMO and hit the 50,000 word mark I am stoked. I love to chat with People and read their blogs. When my friend Reese told me about Ultimate Blog Party hosted by 5 minuets for mom. I was interested. I love to party so here I am and I am inviting you to come and join the Fun!

Trees

my husband and I went to look at houses and one of them had trees lots of trees and with winter ending and spring on it's way the leaves are not on them just yet and I got to see the natural beauty of them. the shapes and all of the twists and turns of the branches all form a unique structure. I am amazed at how God created something so plain in the winter yet simply beautiful to see. one might think of a tree with all its leaves as being in all their glory but to me the bareness of them shows their true form and they are just there for everyone to see no where to hide the simple perfectness of the tree makes me think of life and the people around me. we as humans tend to "hide" from things that may make us uncomfortable. I know I do not like people watching me or judgeing me because of how I may look. God made each of us in his image and even though we are not perfect in our human form he sees us a beautiful each different and not one the same. kind of like the braches of a tree twisting in a different direction going another way from what we may have planned to form one people to glorify God and to Him it is pleaseing. I am going to miss the bareness of the trees the pure honesty of them but then as the season turns I can see the wonder of Gods work as we have a show of color. as we walk in life may we change for the good of God so that we can stand bare before Him and He can see us for who we truly are. Take some time to just look at the trees and see them in all of their beauty before the leaves.

I am Thankful

I like to think that I am in general a good person. sometimes I feel unable to live up to that expectation I have of myself. I understand that in life there is no perfect solution to anything but, I also have so many things I want to achieve. when I am unable to do something I feel I should be able to do, I feel like I let my family down but, on the other hand I am only human and if God wanted perfection there would have been no need to create such an elaborate life on this place we call earth and home. perfection comes only with one and He is the one that sees us as we truly are. I am not convinced that we even see ourselves as we truly are because we are still trying to find out who "we" really is. I am unsatisfied with how my life has been but if I was content then my life would be over. I am striving to find new things, new adventures new discovery into my life and just life in general. I watch people and I am guilty of seeing someone and maybe judging them before I even have the slightest clue as to how they tick. No I do not want perfection and I am not content to just live. I want to experience life and all it has to bring. the day I just lived has been incredible, almost as if I were on a natural high. God is good and he is truly wonderful and I am thankful to him for the things he has done for me. with out Him I would be in a place that is not so wonderful still wondering why I am here but, God has come through for me and I realize that I am truly blessed. I am thankful for my family and the opportunities that have come and, with that I praise the Lord for giving me the time to trust Him. I am not perfect and I do not want to be.

5 things I wish I could be grateful for

I want to cry. I know there is not a person in this world who has not said these words at least once in their life and I am no exception. the frustration that is welling up inside is overwhelming and there seems to be no end in sight. I am really trying to be positive and have faith but it is hard. I feel like the world is on my shoulders literally and no one is there to help. my head has been killing me and my neck and back hurt too. I know I am whining, I so desperately want a home and that seems unreachable now and my hope is slowly slipping away. My faith is trying to hang on but it to is fading. I know God will supply all of my needs and I know in his time it will all work out. The one thing I don't know is when. when things start looking up something always happens to bring it all crashing down around me and I don't want to do this any more. God is God and I see miracles happening around me but here I sit waiting trying to be strong and just being grumpy instead. I hate feeling helpless and that is what I feel now. nothing in this world would make me happier then to have God say here my child this is what you have been waiting for. My life is not bad but, I have stress that makes me feel so old and I just really want to scream WHEN IS IT MY TURN????????????????????????? then I sit and try to hear the still small voice and all I hear is silence. I suppose God will talk and someday I am sure I will hear but for now I sit and wait and cry and stress and then do it all over again. 5 things I would be totally grateful for is this.............................

1. to hear Gods voice
2. to see Gods will in my life
3. to feel peace that only God can bring
4. to know that I am moving in Gods direction
5. worship the Lord with all of my heart and know He hears me.

I am tired and I am frustrated and I am scared that I am not doing what God wants me to do. I am human with flaws and insecurities I am no better than anyone else I have the same hopes and dreams as any normal person yet I am different. the thing is I wish I could say I am happy being different but, apart of me is not happy at all.

Rebecca

I have been rather down the last few days. I have been missing my cousin Rebecca and I wondered if I could have saved her life if I would have just listened a little closer. I went through the whole guilt thing and telling myself it was my fault. Last night I talked to our friend Tony and he has a lot of good things to say I broke down and cried but, I do not think he knew I was crying. I felt a release and just calm and I knew it was something I needed to do. I felt peace . I have decided to plant a tree in her memory I do not know what kind yet so I am doing some searching and hopefully I will find the perfect one. It was not my fault I could not have stopped it I don't think but, in things like these Someone feels the way I do and I think it must be somewhat normal. I will never know why she died at so young an age but I am grateful for the time I had with her. I miss her and I may always miss her, but she will always live in my memories.

Blessings

I find a new blessing in things almost everyday for instance my friend Reese wrote in her blog and labeled it Gods Green Thumb. the whole thing was beautiful and it touched my heart. I think or at least hope it is that way with all good friendship relationships. there is nothing in this world more beautiful than A blessed by God friendship. I have told my son countless times it is not the number of friends but the quality of the friend that counts. I will always enjoy my friend and I pray that God will bless her abundantly. as with anything asking God to be a part of it is always the best way to go.

Friends

I have gone through my life meeting different people and some become friends and most don't. In college I met people that were my friends but now I have lost touch. in my adult life I meet people and I think they are my friends but find out differently. there is only 5 true friends I can say I have the number one is God he is the ultimate best friend. the number two is my very best friend Reese we have been friends going on 22 years gee that makes me sound so old. number three is my husband Rich we may not classify each other as friend but we are we may fight but we stick together and that is a true bond. number four is my friend C.J. she is one of a kind but a friend to the end. we live in the same town and don't see each other much but in a bind we are there for each other. and number five Becky our sons are best pals and we developed a friendship we are scout leaders and go to the same church. I have several acquaintances but people that now I don't think of as friend. I am tired of being hurt and having People talk behind my back. I am a trusting person and I tend to believe people are my friends but the realization is in life a few good friends are better than a lot of not so good friends. so here is to my 5 best friends in the universe. I love you all and I am proud to call you friend.

HIP HIP HORAY

This is for my friend Reese nananananana nananananana we still have snow. probably not for long but it is so nice to look out my window and see it and have snow days yeah. the thing is I think I am tired of my job it was not so bad when I had the route I started with but this new route with a new start time is kicking my everloving bum. my daughter has to suffer too because she has to get up when I do and go to work with me. frankly I really want to stay at home with my kids but the little money I get from this job helps. I am very frustrated with it all and so the snow gives me some peace that is why I asked God to pour it out and give us like 2 feet but that did not happen but that is okay I got some snow and some days off from the job I am beginning to hate so much. so here is three cheers for snow HIP HIP HORAY HIP HIP HORAY HIP HIP HORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNOW

The snow is falling Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and we actually got another snow day talk about shock we never get snow days and I am loving it. the news said about 2 in we got more like 6 and I am ready to go play and have some fun. I want to go sled and make snow angels and throw snowballs I am a kid again in the snow. WOO HOO SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

100 things about Billie

100 things about Billie

1. I am blonde
2. my eyes are blue
3. I have two kids
4. I have been married for 11 years
5. I love to read
6. I love egg nog lattes (decaf)
7. I read a lot
8. I hate house work
9. I have two cats, two dogs and two newts
10. I love to write
11. I am a bus driver
12. my real name is Billie
13. I hate shoes and socks
14. I love classical music
15. I watch cartoons
16. I love mystery
17. I have another id on myspace
18. my favorite color is purple
19. I have a website called prayer journal
20. I love german food
21. I love to color
22. I volunteer in a special needs class
23. I know sign laungage
24. I wrote a book
25. I think to much
26. I love to dance
27. I love to sing
28. I read to my kids
29. I have a beta named frederick
30. eeyore is my favorite winne the pooh character
31. I watch walker texas ranger
32. I love ginger peach tea with french vanilla creamer
33. I make awesome cheesecakes
34. rose is my favorite flower
35. Honeysuckle is the most beautiful smelling flower
36. I do not drink much pop any more
37. I like candles
38. I wish on the first star
39. I wrote a letter to santa
40. I love to challenge my brain
41. I listen to the phantom of the opera
42. I love trucks
43. I want a motor cycle
44. I like to ride horses
45. I read my friends blog for fun
46. I hate fish
47. I am allergic to clams
48. I laugh at drunk people
49. I like to take pictures
50. I jump on the trampoline
51. I love to stop and smell flowers
52. I like to go for walks
53. I love to swim
54. I wear glasses
55. I wear contacts
56. I dyed my hair burgundy once
57. I love the beach
58. Christmas is my favorite time of year
59. I have anniversaries of my 29th birthday
60. I have 4 neices and 5 nephews
61. I am to loyal sometimes
62. I have had my best friend for 21 years
63. I hate cabbage
64. love sour kraut
65. I like death by chocolate ice cream
66. I love home made jam
67. I want to learn to water ski
68. I am my sons cub scout leader
69. I am into country music
70. I can not draw
71. I love to paint
72. I see people and try to see all the good in them
73. I jump in leaves
74. I love water fights
75. snow is my favorite thing to play in
76. I like yatzee
77. I do not like risk (the game)
78. I want to start a resturant
79. I have been in a plane
80. I went to college
81. I wanted to be a teacher
82. I watch clouds
83. I like bubble baths
84. I like to go 4 wheelin
85. I want to own my own house
86. I love to laugh
87. I play video games
88. I like skunks
89. I like kareoke
90. I kill my house plants except bamboo
91. I go to church
92. I love to share with my friends
93. I bbq all year round
94. I lived in a town called Dufur
95. I am tickleish
96. I blush
97. I love my family
98. I blow kisses to my son when he gets on his bus
99. I collect wind chimes
100. I get migraines

this was tuff but I did it can you?

Thinking

I have to admit that I sit and think sometimes about why things happen. I know that I will never figure it out but it makes an interesting pastime. I have to say that with everything that has hit in my life the past few months that I am truly blessed to have my life and the family and friends in it. If I could go out and touch someone like I have been touched then I know I helped someone that may have been in desperate need of it. I am far from perfect and I may not always do the right things but I do try and I ask God to help me along the way. As I continue my life's journey and I reach out to help people around me I know that I am doing something that makes me feel better. so what if my life is hard with my God and my friends and family I know that in the end it will all be wonderful.

Goals

As we start out the new year and get ready to go back to school I have made some goals and set some challenges for myself and I know that even if I do not fully complete the challenge I will have still succeeded because I tried. there are many things I would like to see done this year one is to lose some much needed weight, start working out and become closer with the God I serve. I am striving to seek Him and know Him and will continue to until He calls me home. I am striving to never be satisfied with my relationship I want it to grow and become stronger everyday. so as I go into this new year and finish it December 31 2007 I hope to accomplish some of these things. to keep going and learning and striving to reach the goal. instead of resolutions set goals. have a great and prosperous year.