I'm not strong enough

Dear who really cares anyway~

I try my very best to be the best person, wife, mom and friend I can be. when I have a friend that is going through a tough time I want to be there to support and love and help them through. there are times however when I can not be there in person because of distance whether it is just miles or an ocean. I still try to support by emails or posting to social networks. what really irks me is when 1 or more people think they know what is going through my mind and tell me what I should not post on MY wall of all things ummm censor me in a way. I do know that fighting is childish and being rude even more so and at times I just can not help myself. so when I am trying to help a best friend and someone else comes along that claims that same title and tells me not to and makes me feel like they feel like they are above me it does not set right with me. my life is not perfect right now far far from it but, I am doing the best I can and I don't need someone coming and telling me I need to watch my posts. I know no one reads this thing it is a good way for me to vent and get frustrations out. I know that people all over the world go through tough times some far more tough than others and even knowing that tough times are still tough. the need for support is still there so don't criticize someone because you THINK someone else needs you to do it. my struggles are far less than my friends and I am coping with them as well as I can. Please keep in mind I would NEVER undermined the struggles of someone else ever, even if I think mine were worse. the question What Would Jesus Do? comes to mind...the answer??.....Forgive, have Mercy and Grace for them and love them anyway. so God Help me because I am human and a sinner and I can not do this on my own I'm not strong enough! Yours Truly, B

Dear God

Dear God:



I know I am not perfect, and I know that sometimes I don't listen when you call, for that I am truly sorry.



I'm sorry for being human and sinning everyday and taking everything into my own hands when things don't go my way.



I am sorry for my actions and the words that I say. I am sorry that I don't always take the time to pray.



I am sorry for the judging of people that I see, for trying to take the twig from their eye when I can barely see.



I am sorry for the anger that swells up inside until it runs over like the rising of the tide.



I am sorry for my stubbornness and all my human ways and for the tug of war I always want to play.God I ask you to forgive me on this very day for my sinful nature and my prideful ways.



I ask for your guidance along with mercy and grace and throw in some wisdom as I go along my way.



take my hand and lead me and show me where to go, as long as you are with me I can go down any road.

Thank you for your love and for forgiving me and even though I'm a stubborn willful child you will never leave me.



AMEN

Dull??? Never!

there never seems to be a dull moment in my life. Stress? Of course lack of money? we have all been there, but the one constant in my life is my Faith in my God to provide. no matter how low I get God will always bring me home again. I have often struggled to keep my eyes on God and at times I falter but, I never stray to far. I have tons of conflict from people that criticize me for how I believe but no one will ever change my mind about who to trust when I need to trust the most. I am thankful for the Blessings God has given me and I pray that God will open the eyes of those that do not believe. I also pray that God give me the wisdom to lead my kids and when I mess up that He will guide them so thay will be the people God has chosen them to be.

Sigh!!!

my entire life I have always done the opposite of what I have been told I had to do. I have been told take this class in high School so I took a different one and avoided it like the plague. I was told to go to this college and again I did not even apply to it. even in my walk with God I tend to not want to do what I am told I must. wrong? yes, stubborn? definitely, easy to change? NO! the struggles I go through are no worse than what everyone else in the world goes through it just seems that way. my pastor whom I respect and trust (which in it self is an accomplishment trust is not an easy thing for me) told me I need to pray for my husband but, I don't want to I keep asking myself why pray for someone that I do not think I really want to be married to anymore? yes that is my hardest struggle yet. I asked God today how? how do I pray for someone who seems to resist as hard as I have prayed? any answer? not yet but, again my shortcomings patience is not a virtue I seem to have. my brain will not shut itself off and all sorts of thoughts and ideas are running through my head. I asked God to change me and I am willing to be changed, to change my heart if I am to stay where I am. the inner turmoil is so overwhelming I seem to want to cry at the drop of a hat. some say I am depressed maybe, but, I see the sun and smile, I laugh at jokes, and I do have peace sometimes, just, not always. Am I selfish? of course what human isn't? Do I have dreams? not so many anymore they have seemed to disappear. Do I have hopes? sometimes. I see my kids and want the best for them I ask myself what is the best? how do I give it to them? I know in my heart that God is in control He sees the outcome and will always provide, in my head I struggle with when, what, where, and how again Patience is not my strong point. so where do I go from here? I really don't know.

His strength is perfect

Life is not an easy thing to live with the frustrations and the stress. I have began studying the Bible to see if I can find ways to make things easier but, it all says the same thing trust God to provide. Trust a huge issue with me it seems I want it in my time and do not want to wait. not a good thing where God is concerned because He can out wait me anytime and I am still trying to learn that. As hard a lesson as that is it is one I NEED to learn. I live in a trailer and I hate it I know that when the time is right a home will be provided for us. Gods time not mine and no matter how much I kick and scream and stomp my feet it is ALWAYS His time not mine. Gods time is perfect. His strength is perfect when I am weak and I am stubborn and if I can just learn to so okay to God than maybe I will have peace.

May day

Happy May day to all enjoy the flowers and sunshine

where has it gone?

I have really missed my friend Reese and I had the chance to see her and spend a lot of time with her. I got the impression we have grown apart slightly. The one I have always called my best friend I do not know very well at all anymore, and I must say it is a little frustrating. I miss her and the friendship we had but I am hoping to get the opportunity to get to know her again. our lives have gone in different directions and my Sister is closer to her than I am now. so my goal is to take every chance I get to know my friend again. I know it sounds silly but talking is not as easy as it used to be.

last one of the year

I have to say I have missed blogging and since this is the last for the year I thought I would share a little about me and the last little while. I usually love the Holidays but this year I could have done with out them and I am relieved Christmas is over. I do not know why I had a sudden sadness come over me but I did and now I look forward to the coming year and hope that I accomplish more than this one. I miss my friend Reese so much and feel a little jipped (if that is a word) at not getting to see her while she is in The Dalles and that transporting stuff she was talking about would really come in handy now if only for a while.. anyway we my whole family including my hubby are3 going to church and we all love it I got him a Bible for Christmas and he reads it to us sometimes. well here is to all those that read this and those that don't have a safe and productive new year. God Bless

Billie

Hi it has been a while a really long while so sorry about all of that but I am not connected real well to the world right now but I will try to be more often. anyway when I get the chance I will write more so Happy New yaer and I hope the next will be blessed for all

Billie

13 years and counting

I have a hard time believing that on Monday I will have been married for 13 yes 13 years only 2 years and 11 days after my friend Reese. the ups and downs and everything else seems unimportant compared to a commitment that has lasted for richer and poorer in sickness and health to reach a day that blows me away see we were engaged for 1 week and got married much to my friends distress she was not there and I will always be sorry not to have shared that day with her. it put a strain on us for along time but we made up and I love her more today than ever she is like a third sister to me. yes 13 years and counting lets see what the next 13 bring.

Friendship hall of fame

who would of guessed I would be in any hall of fame. I have to say I am truly honored and giddy and blessed to be chosen for it by my totally cool and steller (hehe) friend at kickin it in crazyville Reese and I have had so many adventures and maybe just maybe I might get my nosed pierced just for you. we made an agreement to do lots of things not all happened but thats okay one I remember is we decided that all of our kids will have two middle names mine do and I know two of hers does what about the little ones Reese? anyway thank you you made my day:) love you tons
Billie

Know and Tell Friday

.Who would you rather be for a day: your best friend or your worst enemy?
.Could you work with your best friend?
.Do you think it would be a blast or a nightmare to blog with a friend?
.Could you share an email account with any of your friends?
.You have a day to take a friend out and have fun. Describe the day.
.Could you switch lives with a good friend? What would you find to be better/easier/nicer than your own life, and what would be really difficult for you?
.Bonus Non-Friend Related Question:
Are there any of these products you might be willing to eat?


1. my best friend Reese from kickin it in crazyville
2. I think so
3. to share in something so fun as blogging would be a tresure to me
4. yeah I could
5. a sunny day with a picnic just the two of us at a park or the beach remembering old times and making plans for the future and making memories of all of it.
6. no I would never wish my life on anyone

7. no way

Hi it has been a while I am just checking in to let people know I am alive anyway I do not get to the computer as often as I would like anyway hey and TTFN Billie

To Reese with love

I have been thinking about my friend Reese at kickin it in crazyville and this song came to mind we sang it at my sisters wedding but it means so much more she is my ultimate best friend in the world and for about 23 years with some rough times we are still friends although she is in England and we rarely see or talk and I miss her tons I am dedicating this to Reese from me with all my love in my heart for her. does anyone else have a friend like that I would love to hear about it:)

Good Pastures Syndrome

Have you heard of it? well not many have it affects 1 in 2 million people it is an autoimmune disease that kills the kidneys affects the lungs and heart sounds bad well it is in October of 07 Kristina Aberle had 100% kidney function now she has none she is in need of a transplant. Krissy is 21 years old I work with her mom and I am heading up fundraisers to help the family with expenses Krissy gets dialysis every other day and the plasma is separated from her blood and the red blood cells put back in the antibodies in the plasma attack the kidneys and that is where she is now. A donation account has been set up in her name at Bank of the west. we had a car wash on Saturday and raised $1,357.42 only a drop in the bucket for the bills that are piling up all the prayer and support from anyone that chooses will be greatly appreciated. Krissy is not out of the woods she was released after 3 weeks in the hospital but she could still die if it gets to her lungs they will hemorrhage and there is not a whole lot they can do please pray for her and the family

Come one Come all to the ultimate blog party at 5 minuets for mom it is fun and unforgettable

I had a bad day yesterday God

I had a bad day yesterday God and I did not like it I yelled a bit and cried and even ignored the one thing to give peace. I had a bad day yesterday God and I am ready to say I am sorry instead of holeing up and being grumpy I should have basked in the sun with you. I had a bad day yesterday God and today is a little better with your hope and strength for tomorrow it will be brighter. I had a bad day yesterday God I ask for your wisdom so that each day from today on is filled with your guidance. forgive me God for the way I am and lend me a helping hand so that my tomorrow's are brighter. Teach me I am the clay and you are the potter I had a bad day yesterday but you made it better.

Thanks be to God

I am keeping this short and sweet but I have to say how good God is unfortunately we live pay check to pay check and it gets tight especially if I don't work. but today I went to check on my bank account to see what is going through and so on and I had way to much money in there and I started to worry my insurance did not take out my payment so I called them and asked. what I was worried about is my loan going through and then no money for my insurance because my loan is due Thursday. but low and behold the insurance company stopped all auto pays due to weather and the chance the people may not get to the bank but they. offered two choices one of which I jumped on either do a check over the phone which takes forever or pay it over the next eleven months the latter I took so I was able to pay my loan early and have a few extra dollars for gas and the pay check this week can go to putting me ahead on other bills I am thankful to God for providing a way to do it.

2 things

I got this off just another day in Paradise thanks
2 things you like: snow and sun
2 things you hate: fighting and mold
2 things you want right now: home and property
2 things you want in life: love and God
2 things you are doing right now: blogging and thinking
2 things you'd rather be doing: reading and sitting in the sun
2 things you hear right now: heater and typing
2 things you smell right now: clean air ........
2 things that are right in front of you: computer and slide screen
2 things that are behind you: computers and people
2 things that make you happy: kids and books
2 things that make you sad: fights and death
2 things you think will happen tomorrow:work and cold
2 things you know will happen tomorrow: go to work and go home
2 people you will tag: whoever wants to and those that dont

Dreams are a wish your heart makes

I love the movie that song came from but it really has been on my mind today Dreams are things we have as we grow they either happen or they don't. I am reminded that God gives us the desires of our hearts and if a dream is a wish our hearts make than they must be the desires of our hearts right? I am up in the air about that one. I have many dreams and I have yet to see one come true. the desires of my heart are well simple a home one I call my own maybe with some property and to be financially secure so money worries are not there. now I ask is that too much to ask for? I know that God has a plan and our dreams may not be in them but if He is going to give us our hearts desire than when can we expect that to happen. I know we cant rush God he does things in his time and He is never late. my desire is to know Him love Him and give my children the home and the place to play that they dream of so often I know I have been told you have to be specific when you pray and ask God for something. don't settle for second best because God may have had something Perfect in mind. so when I think about a dream is a wish your heart makes I want to think that God is waiting for the perfect time to make my dream come true.