I'm not strong enough

Dear who really cares anyway~

I try my very best to be the best person, wife, mom and friend I can be. when I have a friend that is going through a tough time I want to be there to support and love and help them through. there are times however when I can not be there in person because of distance whether it is just miles or an ocean. I still try to support by emails or posting to social networks. what really irks me is when 1 or more people think they know what is going through my mind and tell me what I should not post on MY wall of all things ummm censor me in a way. I do know that fighting is childish and being rude even more so and at times I just can not help myself. so when I am trying to help a best friend and someone else comes along that claims that same title and tells me not to and makes me feel like they feel like they are above me it does not set right with me. my life is not perfect right now far far from it but, I am doing the best I can and I don't need someone coming and telling me I need to watch my posts. I know no one reads this thing it is a good way for me to vent and get frustrations out. I know that people all over the world go through tough times some far more tough than others and even knowing that tough times are still tough. the need for support is still there so don't criticize someone because you THINK someone else needs you to do it. my struggles are far less than my friends and I am coping with them as well as I can. Please keep in mind I would NEVER undermined the struggles of someone else ever, even if I think mine were worse. the question What Would Jesus Do? comes to mind...the answer??.....Forgive, have Mercy and Grace for them and love them anyway. so God Help me because I am human and a sinner and I can not do this on my own I'm not strong enough! Yours Truly, B

Dear God

Dear God:



I know I am not perfect, and I know that sometimes I don't listen when you call, for that I am truly sorry.



I'm sorry for being human and sinning everyday and taking everything into my own hands when things don't go my way.



I am sorry for my actions and the words that I say. I am sorry that I don't always take the time to pray.



I am sorry for the judging of people that I see, for trying to take the twig from their eye when I can barely see.



I am sorry for the anger that swells up inside until it runs over like the rising of the tide.



I am sorry for my stubbornness and all my human ways and for the tug of war I always want to play.God I ask you to forgive me on this very day for my sinful nature and my prideful ways.



I ask for your guidance along with mercy and grace and throw in some wisdom as I go along my way.



take my hand and lead me and show me where to go, as long as you are with me I can go down any road.

Thank you for your love and for forgiving me and even though I'm a stubborn willful child you will never leave me.



AMEN

Dull??? Never!

there never seems to be a dull moment in my life. Stress? Of course lack of money? we have all been there, but the one constant in my life is my Faith in my God to provide. no matter how low I get God will always bring me home again. I have often struggled to keep my eyes on God and at times I falter but, I never stray to far. I have tons of conflict from people that criticize me for how I believe but no one will ever change my mind about who to trust when I need to trust the most. I am thankful for the Blessings God has given me and I pray that God will open the eyes of those that do not believe. I also pray that God give me the wisdom to lead my kids and when I mess up that He will guide them so thay will be the people God has chosen them to be.

Sigh!!!

my entire life I have always done the opposite of what I have been told I had to do. I have been told take this class in high School so I took a different one and avoided it like the plague. I was told to go to this college and again I did not even apply to it. even in my walk with God I tend to not want to do what I am told I must. wrong? yes, stubborn? definitely, easy to change? NO! the struggles I go through are no worse than what everyone else in the world goes through it just seems that way. my pastor whom I respect and trust (which in it self is an accomplishment trust is not an easy thing for me) told me I need to pray for my husband but, I don't want to I keep asking myself why pray for someone that I do not think I really want to be married to anymore? yes that is my hardest struggle yet. I asked God today how? how do I pray for someone who seems to resist as hard as I have prayed? any answer? not yet but, again my shortcomings patience is not a virtue I seem to have. my brain will not shut itself off and all sorts of thoughts and ideas are running through my head. I asked God to change me and I am willing to be changed, to change my heart if I am to stay where I am. the inner turmoil is so overwhelming I seem to want to cry at the drop of a hat. some say I am depressed maybe, but, I see the sun and smile, I laugh at jokes, and I do have peace sometimes, just, not always. Am I selfish? of course what human isn't? Do I have dreams? not so many anymore they have seemed to disappear. Do I have hopes? sometimes. I see my kids and want the best for them I ask myself what is the best? how do I give it to them? I know in my heart that God is in control He sees the outcome and will always provide, in my head I struggle with when, what, where, and how again Patience is not my strong point. so where do I go from here? I really don't know.

His strength is perfect

Life is not an easy thing to live with the frustrations and the stress. I have began studying the Bible to see if I can find ways to make things easier but, it all says the same thing trust God to provide. Trust a huge issue with me it seems I want it in my time and do not want to wait. not a good thing where God is concerned because He can out wait me anytime and I am still trying to learn that. As hard a lesson as that is it is one I NEED to learn. I live in a trailer and I hate it I know that when the time is right a home will be provided for us. Gods time not mine and no matter how much I kick and scream and stomp my feet it is ALWAYS His time not mine. Gods time is perfect. His strength is perfect when I am weak and I am stubborn and if I can just learn to so okay to God than maybe I will have peace.

May day

Happy May day to all enjoy the flowers and sunshine

where has it gone?

I have really missed my friend Reese and I had the chance to see her and spend a lot of time with her. I got the impression we have grown apart slightly. The one I have always called my best friend I do not know very well at all anymore, and I must say it is a little frustrating. I miss her and the friendship we had but I am hoping to get the opportunity to get to know her again. our lives have gone in different directions and my Sister is closer to her than I am now. so my goal is to take every chance I get to know my friend again. I know it sounds silly but talking is not as easy as it used to be.