everything

I'm not strong enough

2011-08-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

Dear who really cares anyway~

I try my very best to be the best person, wife, mom and friend I can be. when I have a friend that is going through a tough time I want to be there to support and love and help them through. there are times however when I can not be there in person because of distance whether it is just miles or an ocean. I still try to support by emails or posting to social networks. what really irks me is when 1 or more people think they know what is going through my mind and tell me what I should not post on MY wall of all things ummm censor me in a way. I do know that fighting is childish and being rude even more so and at times I just can not help myself. so when I am trying to help a best friend and someone else comes along that claims that same title and tells me not to and makes me feel like they feel like they are above me it does not set right with me. my life is not perfect right now far far from it but, I am doing the best I can and I don't need someone coming and telling me I need to watch my posts. I know no one reads this thing it is a good way for me to vent and get frustrations out. I know that people all over the world go through tough times some far more tough than others and even knowing that tough times are still tough. the need for support is still there so don't criticize someone because you THINK someone else needs you to do it. my struggles are far less than my friends and I am coping with them as well as I can. Please keep in mind I would NEVER undermined the struggles of someone else ever, even if I think mine were worse. the question What Would Jesus Do? comes to mind...the answer??.....Forgive, have Mercy and Grace for them and love them anyway. so God Help me because I am human and a sinner and I can not do this on my own I'm not strong enough! Yours Truly, B

Dear God

2011-07-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

Dear God:

I know I am not perfect, and I know that sometimes I don't listen when you call, for that I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry for being human and sinning everyday and taking everything into my own hands when things don't go my way.

I am sorry for my actions and the words that I say. I am sorry that I don't always take the time to pray.

I am sorry for the judging of people that I see, for trying to take the twig from their eye when I can barely see.

I am sorry for the anger that swells up inside until it runs over like the rising of the tide.

I am sorry for my stubbornness and all my human ways and for the tug of war I always want to play.God I ask you to forgive me on this very day for my sinful nature and my prideful ways.

I ask for your guidance along with mercy and grace and throw in some wisdom as I go along my way.

take my hand and lead me and show me where to go, as long as you are with me I can go down any road.

Thank you for your love and for forgiving me and even though I'm a stubborn willful child you will never leave me.

AMEN

Dull??? Never!

2011-06-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

there never seems to be a dull moment in my life. Stress? Of course lack of money? we have all been there, but the one constant in my life is my Faith in my God to provide. no matter how low I get God will always bring me home again. I have often struggled to keep my eyes on God and at times I falter but, I never stray to far. I have tons of conflict from people that criticize me for how I believe but no one will ever change my mind about who to trust when I need to trust the most. I am thankful for the Blessings God has given me and I pray that God will open the eyes of those that do not believe. I also pray that God give me the wisdom to lead my kids and when I mess up that He will guide them so thay will be the people God has chosen them to be.

Sigh!!!

2010-02-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

my entire life I have always done the opposite of what I have been told I had to do. I have been told take this class in high School so I took a different one and avoided it like the plague. I was told to go to this college and again I did not even apply to it. even in my walk with God I tend to not want to do what I am told I must. wrong? yes, stubborn? definitely, easy to change? NO! the struggles I go through are no worse than what everyone else in the world goes through it just seems that way. my pastor whom I respect and trust (which in it self is an accomplishment trust is not an easy thing for me) told me I need to pray for my husband but, I don't want to I keep asking myself why pray for someone that I do not think I really want to be married to anymore? yes that is my hardest struggle yet. I asked God today how? how do I pray for someone who seems to resist as hard as I have prayed? any answer? not yet but, again my shortcomings patience is not a virtue I seem to have. my brain will not shut itself off and all sorts of thoughts and ideas are running through my head. I asked God to change me and I am willing to be changed, to change my heart if I am to stay where I am. the inner turmoil is so overwhelming I seem to want to cry at the drop of a hat. some say I am depressed maybe, but, I see the sun and smile, I laugh at jokes, and I do have peace sometimes, just, not always. Am I selfish? of course what human isn't? Do I have dreams? not so many anymore they have seemed to disappear. Do I have hopes? sometimes. I see my kids and want the best for them I ask myself what is the best? how do I give it to them? I know in my heart that God is in control He sees the outcome and will always provide, in my head I struggle with when, what, where, and how again Patience is not my strong point. so where do I go from here? I really don't know.

His strength is perfect

2009-06-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Life is not an easy thing to live with the frustrations and the stress. I have began studying the Bible to see if I can find ways to make things easier but, it all says the same thing trust God to provide. Trust a huge issue with me it seems I want it in my time and do not want to wait. not a good thing where God is concerned because He can out wait me anytime and I am still trying to learn that. As hard a lesson as that is it is one I NEED to learn. I live in a trailer and I hate it I know that when the time is right a home will be provided for us. Gods time not mine and no matter how much I kick and scream and stomp my feet it is ALWAYS His time not mine. Gods time is perfect. His strength is perfect when I am weak and I am stubborn and if I can just learn to so okay to God than maybe I will have peace.

May day

2009-05-01T11:07:00.001-07:00

Happy May day to all enjoy the flowers and sunshine

where has it gone?

2009-03-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

I have really missed my friend Reese and I had the chance to see her and spend a lot of time with her. I got the impression we have grown apart slightly. The one I have always called my best friend I do not know very well at all anymore, and I must say it is a little frustrating. I miss her and the friendship we had but I am hoping to get the opportunity to get to know her again. our lives have gone in different directions and my Sister is closer to her than I am now. so my goal is to take every chance I get to know my friend again. I know it sounds silly but talking is not as easy as it used to be.

last one of the year

2008-12-31T15:59:00.000-08:00

I have to say I have missed blogging and since this is the last for the year I thought I would share a little about me and the last little while. I usually love the Holidays but this year I could have done with out them and I am relieved Christmas is over. I do not know why I had a sudden sadness come over me but I did and now I look forward to the coming year and hope that I accomplish more than this one. I miss my friend Reese so much and feel a little jipped (if that is a word) at not getting to see her while she is in The Dalles and that transporting stuff she was talking about would really come in handy now if only for a while.. anyway we my whole family including my hubby are3 going to church and we all love it I got him a Bible for Christmas and he reads it to us sometimes. well here is to all those that read this and those that don't have a safe and productive new year. God Bless

Billie

2008-12-30T14:14:00.001-08:00

Hi it has been a while a really long while so sorry about all of that but I am not connected real well to the world right now but I will try to be more often. anyway when I get the chance I will write more so Happy New yaer and I hope the next will be blessed for all

Billie

13 years and counting

2008-07-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time believing that on Monday I will have been married for 13 yes 13 years only 2 years and 11 days after my friend Reese. the ups and downs and everything else seems unimportant compared to a commitment that has lasted for richer and poorer in sickness and health to reach a day that blows me away see we were engaged for 1 week and got married much to my friends distress she was not there and I will always be sorry not to have shared that day with her. it put a strain on us for along time but we made up and I love her more today than ever she is like a third sister to me. yes 13 years and counting lets see what the next 13 bring.

Friendship hall of fame

2008-06-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

who would of guessed I would be in any hall of fame. I have to say I am truly honored and giddy and blessed to be chosen for it by my totally cool and steller (hehe) friend at kickin it in crazyville Reese and I have had so many adventures and maybe just maybe I might get my nosed pierced just for you. we made an agreement to do lots of things not all happened but thats okay one I remember is we decided that all of our kids will have two middle names mine do and I know two of hers does what about the little ones Reese? anyway thank you you made my day:) love you tons
Billie

Know and Tell Friday

2008-06-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

.Who would you rather be for a day: your best friend or your worst enemy?
.Could you work with your best friend?
.Do you think it would be a blast or a nightmare to blog with a friend?
.Could you share an email account with any of your friends?
.You have a day to take a friend out and have fun. Describe the day.
.Could you switch lives with a good friend? What would you find to be better/easier/nicer than your own life, and what would be really difficult for you?
.Bonus Non-Friend Related Question:
Are there any of these products you might be willing to eat?

1. my best friend Reese from kickin it in crazyville
2. I think so
3. to share in something so fun as blogging would be a tresure to me
4. yeah I could
5. a sunny day with a picnic just the two of us at a park or the beach remembering old times and making plans for the future and making memories of all of it.
6. no I would never wish my life on anyone

7. no way

2008-06-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

Hi it has been a while I am just checking in to let people know I am alive anyway I do not get to the computer as often as I would like anyway hey and TTFN Billie

To Reese with love

2008-04-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about my friend Reese at kickin it in crazyville and this song came to mind we sang it at my sisters wedding but it means so much more she is my ultimate best friend in the world and for about 23 years with some rough times we are still friends although she is in England and we rarely see or talk and I miss her tons I am dedicating this to Reese from me with all my love in my heart for her. does anyone else have a friend like that I would love to hear about it:)

Good Pastures Syndrome

2008-03-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of it? well not many have it affects 1 in 2 million people it is an autoimmune disease that kills the kidneys affects the lungs and heart sounds bad well it is in October of 07 Kristina Aberle had 100% kidney function now she has none she is in need of a transplant. Krissy is 21 years old I work with her mom and I am heading up fundraisers to help the family with expenses Krissy gets dialysis every other day and the plasma is separated from her blood and the red blood cells put back in the antibodies in the plasma attack the kidneys and that is where she is now. A donation account has been set up in her name at Bank of the west. we had a car wash on Saturday and raised $1,357.42 only a drop in the bucket for the bills that are piling up all the prayer and support from anyone that chooses will be greatly appreciated. Krissy is not out of the woods she was released after 3 weeks in the hospital but she could still die if it gets to her lungs they will hemorrhage and there is not a whole lot they can do please pray for her and the family

2008-02-22T12:36:00.000-08:00

Come one Come all to the ultimate blog party at 5 minuets for mom it is fun and unforgettable

I had a bad day yesterday God

2008-02-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

I had a bad day yesterday God and I did not like it I yelled a bit and cried and even ignored the one thing to give peace. I had a bad day yesterday God and I am ready to say I am sorry instead of holeing up and being grumpy I should have basked in the sun with you. I had a bad day yesterday God and today is a little better with your hope and strength for tomorrow it will be brighter. I had a bad day yesterday God I ask for your wisdom so that each day from today on is filled with your guidance. forgive me God for the way I am and lend me a helping hand so that my tomorrow's are brighter. Teach me I am the clay and you are the potter I had a bad day yesterday but you made it better.

Thanks be to God

2008-01-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

I am keeping this short and sweet but I have to say how good God is unfortunately we live pay check to pay check and it gets tight especially if I don't work. but today I went to check on my bank account to see what is going through and so on and I had way to much money in there and I started to worry my insurance did not take out my payment so I called them and asked. what I was worried about is my loan going through and then no money for my insurance because my loan is due Thursday. but low and behold the insurance company stopped all auto pays due to weather and the chance the people may not get to the bank but they. offered two choices one of which I jumped on either do a check over the phone which takes forever or pay it over the next eleven months the latter I took so I was able to pay my loan early and have a few extra dollars for gas and the pay check this week can go to putting me ahead on other bills I am thankful to God for providing a way to do it.

2 things

2008-01-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

I got this off just another day in Paradise thanks
2 things you like: snow and sun
2 things you hate: fighting and mold
2 things you want right now: home and property
2 things you want in life: love and God
2 things you are doing right now: blogging and thinking
2 things you'd rather be doing: reading and sitting in the sun
2 things you hear right now: heater and typing
2 things you smell right now: clean air ........
2 things that are right in front of you: computer and slide screen
2 things that are behind you: computers and people
2 things that make you happy: kids and books
2 things that make you sad: fights and death
2 things you think will happen tomorrow:work and cold
2 things you know will happen tomorrow: go to work and go home
2 people you will tag: whoever wants to and those that dont

Dreams are a wish your heart makes

2008-01-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

I love the movie that song came from but it really has been on my mind today Dreams are things we have as we grow they either happen or they don't. I am reminded that God gives us the desires of our hearts and if a dream is a wish our hearts make than they must be the desires of our hearts right? I am up in the air about that one. I have many dreams and I have yet to see one come true. the desires of my heart are well simple a home one I call my own maybe with some property and to be financially secure so money worries are not there. now I ask is that too much to ask for? I know that God has a plan and our dreams may not be in them but if He is going to give us our hearts desire than when can we expect that to happen. I know we cant rush God he does things in his time and He is never late. my desire is to know Him love Him and give my children the home and the place to play that they dream of so often I know I have been told you have to be specific when you pray and ask God for something. don't settle for second best because God may have had something Perfect in mind. so when I think about a dream is a wish your heart makes I want to think that God is waiting for the perfect time to make my dream come true.

How smart is your right foot?

2008-01-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

This is crazy. Try it. I did it several times I got this in my email
Billie

How smart is Your Right Foot?? Just try this. It is from an
orthopedic
Surgeon............

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over
again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's
preprogrammed in your Brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......)
and
while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift
your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number

'6' in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you
are
going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Send it to your friends and frustrate them too

Tag Your It Pass it on

2008-01-10T11:34:00.001-08:00

Love ya!!!

One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't anymore. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say "I love you."

So while we have it . it's best we love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken ... .. and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage . and old cars .. and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special. and so, We keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it if you feel that way. Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking...I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

Let every one of your! friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do.

And just in case GOD calls me home .
I LOVE YA!!!
I'm sssoooo glad
you're part of my life!

Live today to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised.

My soul sings

2008-01-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

I am grateful I got to speak to my very best friend last night I am sorry I did not see her but I got to talk to her and for that my heart smiles. my friend and I have been friends for 22 years she is in Germany now but moving to England I miss her terribly and I do not get to talk to her often so when I do my day is brighter and my heart lighter and my soul sings. I am reminded that God wants us to feel that way about Him and more often than not we don't. I am making changes in my life and one is to hear my soul sing for God. I have the desire to have my heart shine with His love to all of the world and maybe in England too.

the future

2007-12-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

Thinking about all that has happened in the last year can be a little depressing. although if I only think on those things I loose sight of what is truly important such as the Blessings of Family, a roof over my head (even a travel trailer) food for the table and a pillow for my head. the stress in my life has been high and the low feelings keep creping in but somehow I manage to just breath and make it through what ever is my issue at the time. it is funny how as humans we always have issues about one thing or another and we can take them and run and loose complete control. yes I want a real home I would love to be skinny and yes I would love to stay at home and be mom I would love to not have money problems but they are there and ignoreing them is not a solution that will work so as I look to the year ahead I am hopeing for change planning for the future and praying it all pans out in the end Happy Holidays everyone
Billie

Hello

2007-12-12T12:24:00.000-08:00

Hello one and all it has been a long while but I came across something today I wanted to share so here it is I hope you enjoy it as much as I did
Billie

In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.

He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.

Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either.

If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.

The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.
No luck.

The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.

Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel.
An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.

She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night
until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.

I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.

When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.

As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.

Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered
I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.
I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside, and kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.

And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.

And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.

Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....

THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:

1. "Yes!"
2. "Not yet."
3. "I have something better in mind."

God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar.

You maybe going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine.

My instructions were to pick four people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you.

Please pass this to at least four people you want to be blessed and a copy back to me.

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.

Let's continue to pray for one another. Here is the prayer:......

Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and email buddies reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power.
Amen.

A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN

2007-09-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

I got this off of myspace this is really good....Billie

A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class.
The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his
father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever
wrote.." It also was the last.

Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving
home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in
Pickaway C ounty and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck
unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family
portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think
we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of
the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life afte r
death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."

Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with
small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles
by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched
from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very
different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my
attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began
flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I
recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew
exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my
life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and s mall, in a
detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled
with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and
exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense
of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The
titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read,"
"Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some
were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my
brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger",
"Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be
surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I
hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. C ould
it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these
thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each
was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the
files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet
after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it,
shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew
that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through
my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and
drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal
rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these
cards! No one must ever see this ro om! I have to destroy them!" In insane
frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it
and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the
floor, I could not dislo dge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out
a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my
forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled
on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my
hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They
started in my stomach an d shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I
cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file
shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this
room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the
tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as
He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His
response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw
a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every
one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me
with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my
head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over
and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't
say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of fi les. Starting at one end of
the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over
mine on each ca rd. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say
was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these
cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name
of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card
back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll
ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I
heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and
He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still
cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13 "For God
so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believe s in Him
sh all not perish but have eternal life." If you feel the same way forward it
so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I shared the
gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?

You don't have to share this with anybody, no one will know whether you did
or not, but you will know and so will He.

moving again

2007-09-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

God has blessed us abundantly. we have to move yet again but, this time our home goes with us. it is never easy to move even if you have a home that has wheels. the kids love it there but due to circumstances we are not able to stay. I am not worried God will place us where we are supposed to be and I am sure that in due time we will have a permanent home. I pray everyday for God to lead me on the path I am to go and to help me with the things that are difficult for me to take and I am confidant that with My God in charge I will be okay. I am hoping I can participate in the NANOWRIMO this year but if not then well I was not supposed to. God is good and I am grateful for the things he has provided my family.

God is so good

2007-09-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

today marks the 1 year of Steve Irwin's death.I have remembered him and how my kids loved to watch him. so to his family you are in my prayers.

I have done some searching and found that God is truly a wonderful God and I want to tell the world about his love and grace. I recently posted on myspace about the what is a christian and I am telling people I see about God and my 5 yr old is telling people about Jesus and that he died on the cross to save us that is to awesome I just thought I would share.

What is a Christian?

2007-08-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

I asked myself the other day the same question and the answer that came to me was not quite the same as websters online dictionary.

Main Entry: 1Chris·tian
Pronunciation: 'kris-ch&n, 'krish-
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin christianus, adjective & noun, from Greek christianos, from Christos
1 a : one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ b (1) : DISCIPLE 2 (2) : a member of one of the Churches of Christ separating from the Disciples of Christ in 1906 (3) : a member of the Christian denomination having part in the union of the United Church of Christ concluded in 1961

1a is a firm belief because the teachings is very important but, what you do with the teachings is where my opinion of the meaning comes in to play. I feel that to be a true christian not only do I need to believe in God but, I must strive to live the way He wants me to live. To be Christ like in every way, with EVERY aspect of my life the way I talk the way I dress and what I listen too. I know some claim to be a Christian but if we look at the way they live do they glow with Christ if I were to stand before God today what would He see? I am turning my life around I am praying and I am trying to live with Christ alive in my spirit. I want to have God say well done my good and faithful servant. Being a christian is not a thing or a club it is not "going to church" it is a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ and allowing Him to shine through so we may witness and minister to those that do not believe, are hurting,down or are searching for something to hold on to. A relationship more personal then one we have with our spouses one so special that we can feel Him even if we do not always hear him. As people condemn Christians how wrong are they? can we truly stand up and say yes I am a christian and my life reflects it? Who is to say who is a Christian? Only God.

kids pick up more than we know

2007-08-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

My daughter asked me the other day Mommy if you have another baby which one of us will you sell? My jaw hit the floor and I said neither of you so then she says you will love us all the same? and I said of course I will. she was quite for a sec then said it is a good thing you don't want more babies and I said I do daddy does not want more kids and again she says but, why do you want more since we are so hard to handle? again I was speechless and I was unsure what to say but, it got me thinking kids in general pick up on things we would never even considered them to even hear, understand or know. but to think I would sell my kids if I had another one is something I don't understand where she would have gotten that. kids pick up on frustration and I can see the second part but any thoughts on the first statement?

to the future

2007-08-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

I quit my job today! I have made the choice but it was doing it that was the hard part. I have done it for 4 years and today I am free from it and the headaches it brings. Now I am trusting God to lead me where he wants me to go. to provide and open doors and to guide me to the path I am to follow. at the cross road in my life I am feeling a little nervous. so I ask God to Take my hand and lead in hopes I don't drag my feet to much or end up with my bum on the ground with burns on it. I want to go back to school and get into the schools and be what I have longed to be a teacher. maybe not an official one but any teaching is going to make a difference in a life. When you teach you touch the future and my goal is this if I help just 1 I have made a difference. So here is to life and what it may Bring and to God with hopes of staying on two feet.

hey I am back sort of

2007-08-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

I have to say it has been a long hard journey that is yet to be over. my home is now a travel trailer and my computer is my friends computer. my job I am quitting for school I hope anyway and I am praying for God to make me a better person ,mom and wife today than yesterday and I think God is working I find my self responding to things differently than I normally would. so yes God is good and I am blessed.

This is Good Bye!

2007-06-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

well my friends as the countdown continues my time left with you is short. after tomorrow I will be gone for a while. I am not sure where I am going as to I will not have a home and I am not sure when I will be back if I do get back. My computer is going to storage and I and my family will be seeking shelter. I really enjoy blogging and meeting new people and I know that life will go on even if I am not online. someone asked what my dream home would be and this is what I told them. A home that has four walls a roof and a sound floor one with no broken windows and a door. a wall that faces north south east and west. no particular color is needed as long as it protects. So long for now and thank you for coming to see me off!

Luck

2007-06-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

Create your own Clover Post-It

I can only imagine

2007-06-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

read the two below as well this I just had to add

God works through Email

2007-06-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

I got these two emails today and it helped me Thank you to Reese and my mil

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this, I will >give you a life span
of Twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For
this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you
back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give
back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten
the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play
and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we
slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years
we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

GODS CAKE

Sometimes we wonder,
"What did I do to deserve this?"
or "Why did God have to do this to me?"
Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how
everything is going wrong,
she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up
with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks
her daughter if she would like a snack,
and the daughter says,
"Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"
"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then?
Or maybe baking soda?"
"Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies:
"Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves.
But when they are put together in the right way,
they make a wonderfully delicious cake!"

God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why He would let us
go through such bad and difficult times.
But God knows that when He puts these things
all in His order, they always work for good!
We just have to trust Him and, eventually,
they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you.
He sends you flowers every spring
and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe,
and He chose your heart.

God Bless our Soldiers

2007-05-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

I am reminded daily of the sacrifices our soldiers make and I am angered at those that do not want to support them. We have soldiers that fight and have fought for our freedom while we sit in our homes safe and warm yet some do not appreciate the sacrifice so today as we look into tomorrow I say cheers to our heros those that are fighting now those that have fought and those that sacrificed some or all May God Bless our country and protect those that fight to keep it FREE...

Courtesy of SparkleTags.com

Love and Logic

2007-05-21T15:17:00.001-07:00

I am taking yet again the Love and Logic class and every time I do I find new things or remember the old I had forgotten. I am incorporating love and logic in to my life and my words I read a post by Heather at Just a thought about words and it inspired me to write. last week I was telling my daughter in the love and logic way to feel free to talk to me when she was sweet and her voice was as quite as mine, or feel free to get out of the corner when she was happy again or well you get the picture she then told me very calmly mommy feel free to stop using feel free all of the time. I had to cover my mouth and stifle my laughter she caught me off guard but, she has been a little better in the behavior department and it has been nice

Don't drink and Drive

2007-05-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

This is Jacqueline Saburido on September 19, 1999.

This is her and her Father, 1998.

This is her on Vacation in Venezuela.

Birthday party as a child.

At a party with friends.

The car in which Jacqueline traveled. She was hit by another car that was driven by a 17-year old male student on his way home after drinking a couple of hard packs with his friends. This was in December 1999.

After the accident Jacqueline has needed over 40 operations.

Jacqueline was caught in the burning car and her body was heavily burnt during around 45 seconds.

With her Father, 2000.

Getting treatment.

Three months after accident.

Without a left eyelid Jacquie needs eye drops to keep her vision.

Now 20 year old, he cannot forgive himself for driving drunk on that night three years ago.

He's aware of devastating Jacqueline Saburidos life.

Not everyone who gets hit with a car dies. This picture was taken 4 years after the accident and the doctors are still working on Jacqueline, whose body was covered with 60% severe burnings.

This is all to real one fatal night a beautiful girl full of promise and a future has had her life destroyed because of a drunk driver please don't let friends, family or any one drive drunk!

To a mother that left love behind

2007-05-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Rebecca:
even though you have gone to see God tomorrow is mothers day and for the two beautiful children you left behind and the two beautiful stepchildren Happy mothers day and we all miss you. life has not been the same and there have been some holes that are slowly healing but will never be completely gone. with out your smiles life will be very different and for that I am saddened but you are no longer suffering and for that I am grateful. so here is to the mother that always thought of her children and loved them very much Happy Mothers day to you.

Four things

2007-05-11T10:47:00.000-07:00
Four jobs I've had
1. Receptionist magno humphries
2. pizza delivery driver
3. Cook
4. CNA
Four movies I can watch over and over
1. Anything shirley temple
2. John Wayne
3. Phantom of the opera
4. grease

Four places I have lived
1. The Dalles, OR
2. Dufur, OR
3. Beaverton, OR
4. Kirkland, Washingon

Four television shows I love to watch
1. Brothers and sisters
2. Ghost hunters
3. young and the restless (yes I like a soap)
4. perry mason

Four places I have been on vacation
1. california
2. silver falls
3. Oregon coast
4. woods camping

Four of my favorite dishes
1. stir fry
2. salad
3. chicken
4. rice

Four websites I visit daily
1. just a thought
2. dailey gratefulness
3. just being me
4. google
Four places I would rather be right now
1. on a motorcycle
2. at disney land
3. shopping
4. flying
So if you want to play along, post the answers to these questions on your blog and let me know so I can check it out.

Are you a redneck? I am 64 %

2007-05-10T10:30:00.000-07:00
I got this off of myspace what are you? Billie

For the record, just because you live in a small town, doesn't mean you want to live in a small town.

Post your percentage in the subject!

Have you ever…
( x) have you ever lived in the country?
(x ) shot a gun?
(x ) own a gun?
(x ) hunted?
(x ) driven a truck?
Subtotal=5

( ) chewed tobacco?
(x ) gone camping?
(x ) listened to country?
(x ) owned a country cd?
(x ) fished?
(x ) worn a cowboy hat?
( ) worn cowboy boots?
Subtotal = 5

(x ) ridden a horse?
(x ) seen a farm?
(x ) worked on a farm?
( x) lived on a farm?
(x ) fed a farm animal?
( ) worn carhartt?
( x) lived in a small town?
(x) worked on a car?
Subtotal= 7

(x ) seen a nascar race?
( ) been to a nascar race?
( ) been to an oval track?
(x ) seen a demolition derby?
( ) seen a figure 8 race?
(x ) talked on a cb radio?
(x ) had a cb in your car?
( ) seen smokey and the bandit more than 10 times?
Subtotal= 4

(x ) watched the dukes of hazzard?
(x ) owned more than two cars that don’t run?
(x ) been to a junkyard
( ) been a racist
(x) been in a ford vs. chevy argument?
() gone cow tipping? (it was when I was a kid! Sheesh)
( ) went frog gigging?
Subtotal= 4

( ) had to ponder whether your family said tire or tower?
( ) been sprayed with deer pee?
(x ) worn camo?
( ) ridden a 4-wheeler?
( ) owned a cabin
(x ) went swimming in the pond?
Subtotal= 2

( ) drank white lightening? (moonshine)
(x ) had your whole family on the front porch?
(x ) thought that wal-mart was the coolest place ever?
( ) own a shirt with a rebel flag?
(x) eaten venison (deer meat)?
(x ) cooked over a fire?
(x ) ever been muddin?
( ) ate squirrel?
Subtotal= 5

Overall= 32

Now multiply your score by 2 and post it as “I’m –% redneck”.

YEEHAWW! If your redneck score is over 50%, you can officially call yourself a redneck

Who won?

2007-05-04T13:13:00.000-07:00
I have been depressed can you tell I got in to an argument with myself and I am not sure who won. I keep asking if God really helps where is it? I keep hearing "it is there for the taking you just need some faith." I ask if I have faith why am I not seeing results? I keep hearing "trust" How can I trust if I keep hitting brick walls I hear "faith" it is a circle. I then ask why do other people that may not believe have all the breaks? and again I hear "have Faith like a mustard seed you can move mountains" I tried but nothing "Gods time not yours" my next question is God real " duh look around do you think it was the big bang" so who wins I am not convinced and I am frustrated and annoyed and I feel completely empty now. I have to admit the christian music station I love I have not been able to listen to with out frustration and a little anger. so with this I leave you maybe I will continue to be grateful on daily gratefulness but I think I am signing off for now.

Disappointment

2007-05-01T18:48:00.000-07:00
I have to say I have had some real tests of faith in which I am ashamed to say I failed. I have lost my grasp and this is a really hard thing for me to do. I know God is the provider and I know he answers in his time not mine and I know that God will not give me more than I can handle BUT, I have to say that with this whole house aspect it has been a journey in which I do not want to live again. I have to say that as of now it will take a miracle to make this home thing go through and I am banking it won't. Yes ladies and gents I am having some big doubts. and I hate myself for it. the disappointment on my kids face when we got rid of their dogs for this house because of hard wood floors and now the bigger disappointment of not getting it. I have failed there is no ifs ands or buts about it I failed my family my God and myself I have lost myself and I am not sure I really want to find me again. I have to face reality that I will never succeed or be a home owner and have money in the bank for a rainy day and that hurts. Foster care is out renting is not a place for foster care and that means I have to work when I really want to raise my kids. Yes I have my life all layed out work clean and work some more with out any satisfaction whats so ever. maybe God thinks I am not good enough.

dream home

2007-04-27T19:21:00.001-07:00
The house well so far it is not ours. Everything was going well and now well it is not. I have no idea what we are going to do far a home or if we will live in a tent. My faith is being tested and I do not think I am strong enough to pass this test. I am suposed to be out of this drafty house by tuesday we should have been moved two weeks ago. so I am dreaming of my dream home four walls a roof and windows and doors

Another new blog

2007-04-17T09:26:00.000-07:00
I have a new blog called Daily gratefulness it is connected to this one and I will try to list 5 things to be grateful for everyday and I encourage others to write their gratefulness too. go to http://5thingstobegratefulfor.blogspot.com

Desire of my heart

2007-04-15T17:13:00.000-07:00
It is the desire of my heart to have more children. My husband does not want more I do not know if it is the fear of losing me( because I almost died with my daughter) or what. I saw two kids that are up for adoption and my heart just fell in love with them. I know that God is the one that will either allow it or not. I pray that if this is Gods will that He will change the heart of my Husband and open my heart just a little more too. I also pray that God would help my children to adjust to it with some ease. If this is not the will Of God then I pray that God will heal my longings for more children and fill my heart with the blessings and contentment of the ones I am honored and thankful to already have. Adoption is a big step and it is one I am willing to take. Any prayers and or thoughts welcome. Bless you all
Billie

My Husband

2007-04-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

This is my Husband Rich. He is an interesting person. We do not always get along and over the last almost 12 years we could have split. I have to say that if I had not chosen to love him I would not be married now. I do not always like him but with the help of God I do love him. He can be selfish but what man isn't at times? and yes he thinks I know what he is thinking but I still like to hear it once in a while. When my cousin died he was there, when my mom had the stroke he was there. at my sisters wedding even though he hates crowds he was there. so even though I don't always say it my husband does care and support me even though I and he has changed. I just thought I would share.

To throw or not to throw?

2007-04-12T17:48:00.000-07:00
Memories sweet memories. I have been packing and sorting and throwing in the midst of all of this I am finding memories I had forgotten about. I have found some things that are ruined and not replaceable and others that brings back some nice things. The problem I am a pack rat in the biggest way so every Little thing I come across I am having to ask is it really that important. my basement has not been this empty in 4 years wow it is amazing what I have found that I forgot I had. I have had a friend helping me and it has made it easier but the papers Hunter made in preschool or a letter from a friend and all of my craft stuff that was hard but my new house has no room for it all oh the sacrifices we make. this week my kids had to give up their dogs and that was hard on me too. So they gave up something I can too. To throw or not to throw that is the question I chose to throw.

P.S.
Happy Birthday to my husband.

Friends in low places

2007-04-10T20:42:00.000-07:00
hey all it has been some time since I have been able to be online. Lots have happened since the last time I wrote. One thing though comes to my mind. I really do not like the "pretend" to be your friend thing when in reality they could really care less. I have a neighbor that seems really nice but, I think deep down inside well she is not. I have suspected this for a long time. I try to be a true friend I make mistakes and for those mistakes I try to make up for them. I am not perfect nor do I wish to be. anyway this "friend" I think is mad because of something I did. I will not get into that but, instead of talking to me she pretty much just ignores me unless I am outside and for general purposes she must say hi. I will be moving soon to my new house again another time for that I will soon be out of "my friend in low places" hair never to be heard from again. Freedom sweet freedom. I will relish the freedom.

Oh for the love of coffee

2007-03-25T10:42:00.000-07:00
Oh for the love of Coffee. The smell the taste the feel of it going down. The pain the misery of the migraine. Oh how I miss you my sweet warm tempting coffee and yet how I pay to have you. The rush the exhilaration the alertness that comes with the simple thing we Humans call Coffee. The population runs off the stuff it is the thrill and the excitement and it is very much needed. Oh the longing for the mixture of cherry and vanilla and the sweet cream of the Latte. or the creamy mixture of cocoa and plain creamy creamer and how smooth it is when it goes down the throat and settles contently in the stomach where it goes to work to gently wake up and kick start the person drinking it People Decaf is not the same. Oh coffee sweet coffee how I miss you. I just thought I would share How do you like your coffee?

Where did it go?

2007-03-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

When we love someone we should not hurt them. We take vows to love, honor, cherish but somewhere somehow those vows seem to get lost. not on purpose but I think they get forgotten. maybe people lose sight of the love, and everyday life tends to drag them down. I take my vows seriously, I try my best to make him happy but, these days he never seems to be. I hoped getting a house would help but I don't know. this is not what I thought it would be. I see some people they have a wonderful marriage, even when they have gray hair and wrinkles. I thought I would have someone to love me for who I am regardless of how much weight I have gained. but I lost it somewhere. the look is not there anymore, the pet names how do I get it back or am I lost to it forever. I know one thing if I have lost it, I will not EVER do it again. one miserable time is enough to last me a life time.

God is in the Middle

2007-03-21T13:24:00.000-07:00
In the last few months I have had many struggles. I have lost a dear friend, I thought I had a brain tumor, My husband has been sick way to much, I have been dealing with kids that have so many issues that I can't even fathom but most of them are by choice, I had to be on a steroid that sent my moods from one end to the other and yet I still tried to see God. Today the sun is out and it is truly beautiful. many know that we have been in need of a house and I am here to tell you There is one with in my reach Yeah! I got an email today that really made me think and I was inspired to write. I have to say in my whole life I never stopped to find the middle of the Bible I mean the exact middle but today I found it and the realization of it has made me know that God is in the middle of everything I do or at least I hope so. Anyway the middle chapter of the Bible is Psalm 118 a wonderful chapter that I think I may have not fully grasped the meaning you should read it. There are 594 chapters before and 594 chapters after the exact middle verse is Psalm 118:8 and it says
It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put our confidence in man.
WOW talk about amazing this whole time I have been seeking God and not once until today was I even aware of this verse. I am grateful that I have a God that I can turn to. remember the "argument" I had with God well He said "when you trust me"
I started to trust and we have a house that we can move into as soon as it closes and I don't have to stress anymore. God is good and I thank Him for the things he is doing and will continue to do.

OH HAPPY DAY!!

2007-03-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

have a great day everyone
Billie

look alike cat?

2007-03-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

My daughter has a cat named Bunny and on word imp today she has a picture of her cat on there and Khirali thought it was Bunny here is a pic of him. go check out word imp at http://wordimperfect.blogspot.com

What is TRUST?

2007-03-14T09:06:00.000-07:00
I got in to an argument with God last night of course it was a one sided argument I am truly thankful that God does not yell back, I am thankful for the mercy and grace He gives us. and I Think I heard God when I yelled at Him WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW ME WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BE? and very quietly I heard "When you trust me" I said I want to but, I do not how. I have been struggling with TRUST when it comes to God since last September I have been seeking a home. I have until June and I know that God will provide but I am having the hardest time Trusting God to come through so my family is not homeless and this came to me what is TRUST? What does it mean to me?

Totally rely on God
Respect that God has His own time
Understand that Gods will may not be mine
Seek Gods will in my life
Thank God for the blessings He has bestowed

.

This is a hard lesson and my frustration level is through the roof. I am weary of the stress between my family and I am so tired I have times that I just want to hide. If I just TRUST I think my life will be a whole lot easier.

Gnilleps and Carcinomas

2007-03-13T07:18:00.000-07:00
As I was helping my friend Shannon study for a test we came across some unusual words that could be misconstrued or turned around an used a different way with out anyone (unless in the medical profession) would know the meaning of. and then we or at least she told me about a word that I just love and I decided it would be a word I could use when I get frustrated with out cussing pretty cool huh? OH Gnilleps could be said if I stubbed my toe or if I wanted to I could say stop being a carcinoma to someone that was not being so nice. I know as Christians we should not cuss or say anything remotely close to cussing but as humans we are flawed and so something more often then not comes out of our mouths what I am interested in is this what do you say? what comes out of your mouth when you hurt yourself or someone is being less than nice I would love to hear your thoughts, and the different things that you come up with.

What are you afraid of?

2007-03-10T13:26:00.000-08:00
Today My daughter asked mommy what are you afraid of? instantly a whole list of things just jumped into my head. but she then went on to say you are afraid of spiders and snakes is there anything else? Her being only 5 she would never have understood the things going on in my mind. I wanted to say yes lots of things. here they are.
my kids not loving me, us being homeless, not being able to make something OK, being a bad mommy, losing one of my parents, losing one of my kids, not being the way God wants me to be , not making it in to Heaven, dieing. but I could not say those things to a 5 year old. I know that even though I tend to yank the reigns back that God will watch over me if I give him the chance. I often have to release the controls so that God can direct my life in the way He wants it to go. I have fears but, I have confidences too. God is never late, God will carry me unless, I refuse to listen then, I will land on my ever loving bum in the sand. I also know that no matter what God will always win the tug of war. so If I can stop being human and let God do everything than I might be less of a mess but, I am human and I will always get in a hurry and end up covered in mud all over again. Lord Help me to rely on you and help me to trust that what ever happens you will take care of me. grant me mercy and give me wisdom. I am looking for you to bring the answers open my heart and ears to listen so that I can hear your still small voice. Amen

I got interviewed

2007-03-10T09:36:00.000-08:00
Hey I got interviewed by 5 minuets for mom here is the link to go check it out I am so excited.

any way thanks to everyone that came to my Party I hope to continue to here from all of you:)
Billie

Visual DNA

2007-03-09T20:15:00.001-08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Here is my family in a nut shell.

2007-03-09T10:03:00.000-08:00
It has occurred to me that I have not introduced my family so here they are.

My son Hunter he is 9 and a good kid.

My 5 year old going on Adult Daughter Khirali.

My Husband Rich.

We have been married almost 12 years and I have to say it has been a journey in which I will never forget. My son has some special needs and it has been a time of retraining ourselves to know that he has certain ways in which he is able to do things and I am not expecting him to do things right all of the time. He is doing well we just got done doing the science fair the pic is from him doing the project. My daughter lets see she is very smart ready for school and is excited to be learning in preschool. she is full of life or something and she lets you know whats on her mind. well I think that sums it up ladies and gents here is my family.

How many people have your name?

2007-03-07T12:58:00.000-08:00

HowManyOfMe.com
There are:
2
people with my name
in the U.S.A.
How many have your name?

Who would have thought that there are 2 people with the name Billie Haberman in the entire US. go figure. I just thought you would find it interesting. How many people have your name? I would love to hear from you, tell me how many people have your name. I put in my daughters name and it came back with no one has her name. I find it very interesting to know that. I got this from another party goer Just another day in Paradise.

Time stops for no one

2007-03-06T09:32:00.000-08:00
There are times when I wish I could stop time! get your attention? I hope so, last night with My cousins husband on the phone we sent 3 balloons and a note to heaven. A special delivery to Becky. Yesterday was her birthday and since my daughter is sick I could not go to her grave and "deliver" my gift to her so last night Cole and I and my Husband did it together. We watched the Balloons until we could not see them anymore. As sad as it is I realized that It releases me from my hurting and I felt so much better doing it. Time is a thing that can not be wasted because we never know when it will run out. Share your love and laughter and see the beauty in the ones around you. Cherish the time you do have because Time stops for no one. God is there to pick up the pieces if we let Him but, sometimes we hold on and don't want to let go. As I have said lots of times Life is a puzzle that is only complete when we go home to see the Lord but, our puzzle is apart of another's puzzle and their puzzle is apart of someone Else's so see the puzzle is never finished it keeps on growing and changing and weather we know it or not we affect other peoples lives that we may not even know. So my advice Love God for ever, create memories to last an eternity, and tell someone you love them.

Ultimate Blog Party

2007-03-05T08:57:00.000-08:00
My name is Billie and I am a mom of two 9 and 5. I am a school bus driver and a volunteer in the middle school in the special needs class. I live in Oregon and I love it here. I am a reader and a cook sort of and I write. I entered the NANOWRIMO and hit the 50,000 word mark I am stoked. I love to chat with People and read their blogs. When my friend Reese told me about Ultimate Blog Party hosted by 5 minuets for mom. I was interested. I love to party so here I am and I am inviting you to come and join the Fun!

Trees

2007-03-04T22:07:00.000-08:00
my husband and I went to look at houses and one of them had trees lots of trees and with winter ending and spring on it's way the leaves are not on them just yet and I got to see the natural beauty of them. the shapes and all of the twists and turns of the branches all form a unique structure. I am amazed at how God created something so plain in the winter yet simply beautiful to see. one might think of a tree with all its leaves as being in all their glory but to me the bareness of them shows their true form and they are just there for everyone to see no where to hide the simple perfectness of the tree makes me think of life and the people around me. we as humans tend to "hide" from things that may make us uncomfortable. I know I do not like people watching me or judgeing me because of how I may look. God made each of us in his image and even though we are not perfect in our human form he sees us a beautiful each different and not one the same. kind of like the braches of a tree twisting in a different direction going another way from what we may have planned to form one people to glorify God and to Him it is pleaseing. I am going to miss the bareness of the trees the pure honesty of them but then as the season turns I can see the wonder of Gods work as we have a show of color. as we walk in life may we change for the good of God so that we can stand bare before Him and He can see us for who we truly are. Take some time to just look at the trees and see them in all of their beauty before the leaves.

I am Thankful

2007-02-28T00:05:00.000-08:00
I like to think that I am in general a good person. sometimes I feel unable to live up to that expectation I have of myself. I understand that in life there is no perfect solution to anything but, I also have so many things I want to achieve. when I am unable to do something I feel I should be able to do, I feel like I let my family down but, on the other hand I am only human and if God wanted perfection there would have been no need to create such an elaborate life on this place we call earth and home. perfection comes only with one and He is the one that sees us as we truly are. I am not convinced that we even see ourselves as we truly are because we are still trying to find out who "we" really is. I am unsatisfied with how my life has been but if I was content then my life would be over. I am striving to find new things, new adventures new discovery into my life and just life in general. I watch people and I am guilty of seeing someone and maybe judging them before I even have the slightest clue as to how they tick. No I do not want perfection and I am not content to just live. I want to experience life and all it has to bring. the day I just lived has been incredible, almost as if I were on a natural high. God is good and he is truly wonderful and I am thankful to him for the things he has done for me. with out Him I would be in a place that is not so wonderful still wondering why I am here but, God has come through for me and I realize that I am truly blessed. I am thankful for my family and the opportunities that have come and, with that I praise the Lord for giving me the time to trust Him. I am not perfect and I do not want to be.

5 things I wish I could be grateful for

2007-02-07T16:00:00.000-08:00
I want to cry. I know there is not a person in this world who has not said these words at least once in their life and I am no exception. the frustration that is welling up inside is overwhelming and there seems to be no end in sight. I am really trying to be positive and have faith but it is hard. I feel like the world is on my shoulders literally and no one is there to help. my head has been killing me and my neck and back hurt too. I know I am whining, I so desperately want a home and that seems unreachable now and my hope is slowly slipping away. My faith is trying to hang on but it to is fading. I know God will supply all of my needs and I know in his time it will all work out. The one thing I don't know is when. when things start looking up something always happens to bring it all crashing down around me and I don't want to do this any more. God is God and I see miracles happening around me but here I sit waiting trying to be strong and just being grumpy instead. I hate feeling helpless and that is what I feel now. nothing in this world would make me happier then to have God say here my child this is what you have been waiting for. My life is not bad but, I have stress that makes me feel so old and I just really want to scream WHEN IS IT MY TURN????????????????????????? then I sit and try to hear the still small voice and all I hear is silence. I suppose God will talk and someday I am sure I will hear but for now I sit and wait and cry and stress and then do it all over again. 5 things I would be totally grateful for is this.............................
to hear Gods voice
to see Gods will in my life
to feel peace that only God can bring
to know that I am moving in Gods direction
worship the Lord with all of my heart and know He hears me.
I am tired and I am frustrated and I am scared that I am not doing what God wants me to do. I am human with flaws and insecurities I am no better than anyone else I have the same hopes and dreams as any normal person yet I am different. the thing is I wish I could say I am happy being different but, apart of me is not happy at all.

Rebecca

2007-02-03T14:18:00.000-08:00
I have been rather down the last few days. I have been missing my cousin Rebecca and I wondered if I could have saved her life if I would have just listened a little closer. I went through the whole guilt thing and telling myself it was my fault. Last night I talked to our friend Tony and he has a lot of good things to say I broke down and cried but, I do not think he knew I was crying. I felt a release and just calm and I knew it was something I needed to do. I felt peace . I have decided to plant a tree in her memory I do not know what kind yet so I am doing some searching and hopefully I will find the perfect one. It was not my fault I could not have stopped it I don't think but, in things like these Someone feels the way I do and I think it must be somewhat normal. I will never know why she died at so young an age but I am grateful for the time I had with her. I miss her and I may always miss her, but she will always live in my memories.

Blessings

2007-01-31T09:28:00.000-08:00
I find a new blessing in things almost everyday for instance my friend Reese wrote in her blog and labeled it Gods Green Thumb. the whole thing was beautiful and it touched my heart. I think or at least hope it is that way with all good friendship relationships. there is nothing in this world more beautiful than A blessed by God friendship. I have told my son countless times it is not the number of friends but the quality of the friend that counts. I will always enjoy my friend and I pray that God will bless her abundantly. as with anything asking God to be a part of it is always the best way to go.

Friends

2007-01-22T12:53:00.000-08:00
I have gone through my life meeting different people and some become friends and most don't. In college I met people that were my friends but now I have lost touch. in my adult life I meet people and I think they are my friends but find out differently. there is only 5 true friends I can say I have the number one is God he is the ultimate best friend. the number two is my very best friend Reese we have been friends going on 22 years gee that makes me sound so old. number three is my husband Rich we may not classify each other as friend but we are we may fight but we stick together and that is a true bond. number four is my friend C.J. she is one of a kind but a friend to the end. we live in the same town and don't see each other much but in a bind we are there for each other. and number five Becky our sons are best pals and we developed a friendship we are scout leaders and go to the same church. I have several acquaintances but people that now I don't think of as friend. I am tired of being hurt and having People talk behind my back. I am a trusting person and I tend to believe people are my friends but the realization is in life a few good friends are better than a lot of not so good friends. so here is to my 5 best friends in the universe. I love you all and I am proud to call you friend.

HIP HIP HORAY

2007-01-17T09:41:00.000-08:00
This is for my friend Reese nananananana nananananana we still have snow. probably not for long but it is so nice to look out my window and see it and have snow days yeah. the thing is I think I am tired of my job it was not so bad when I had the route I started with but this new route with a new start time is kicking my everloving bum. my daughter has to suffer too because she has to get up when I do and go to work with me. frankly I really want to stay at home with my kids but the little money I get from this job helps. I am very frustrated with it all and so the snow gives me some peace that is why I asked God to pour it out and give us like 2 feet but that did not happen but that is okay I got some snow and some days off from the job I am beginning to hate so much. so here is three cheers for snow HIP HIP HORAY HIP HIP HORAY HIP HIP HORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNOW

2007-01-16T09:45:00.000-08:00
The snow is falling Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and we actually got another snow day talk about shock we never get snow days and I am loving it. the news said about 2 in we got more like 6 and I am ready to go play and have some fun. I want to go sled and make snow angels and throw snowballs I am a kid again in the snow. WOO HOO SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

100 things about Billie

2007-01-07T01:48:00.000-08:00

100 things about Billie
I am blonde
my eyes are blue
I have two kids
I have been married for 11 years
I love to read
I love egg nog lattes (decaf)
I read a lot
I hate house work
I have two cats, two dogs and two newts
I love to write
I am a bus driver
my real name is Billie
I hate shoes and socks
I love classical music
I watch cartoons
I love mystery
I have another id on myspace
my favorite color is purple
I have a website called prayer journal
I love german food
I love to color
I volunteer in a special needs class
I know sign laungage
I wrote a book
I think to much
I love to dance
I love to sing
I read to my kids
I have a beta named frederick
eeyore is my favorite winne the pooh character
I watch walker texas ranger
I love ginger peach tea with french vanilla creamer
I make awesome cheesecakes
rose is my favorite flower
Honeysuckle is the most beautiful smelling flower
I do not drink much pop any more
I like candles
I wish on the first star
I wrote a letter to santa
I love to challenge my brain
I listen to the phantom of the opera
I love trucks
I want a motor cycle
I like to ride horses
I read my friends blog for fun
I hate fish
I am allergic to clams
I laugh at drunk people
I like to take pictures
I jump on the trampoline
I love to stop and smell flowers
I like to go for walks
I love to swim
I wear glasses
I wear contacts
I dyed my hair burgundy once
I love the beach
Christmas is my favorite time of year
I have anniversaries of my 29th birthday
I have 4 neices and 5 nephews
I am to loyal sometimes
I have had my best friend for 21 years
I hate cabbage
love sour kraut
I like death by chocolate ice cream
I love home made jam
I want to learn to water ski
I am my sons cub scout leader
I am into country music
I can not draw
I love to paint
I see people and try to see all the good in them
I jump in leaves
I love water fights
snow is my favorite thing to play in
I like yatzee
I do not like risk (the game)
I want to start a resturant
I have been in a plane
I went to college
I wanted to be a teacher
I watch clouds
I like bubble baths
I like to go 4 wheelin
I want to own my own house
I love to laugh
I play video games
I like skunks
I like kareoke
I kill my house plants except bamboo
I go to church
I love to share with my friends
I bbq all year round
I lived in a town called Dufur
I am tickleish
I blush
I love my family
I blow kisses to my son when he gets on his bus
I collect wind chimes
I get migraines
this was tuff but I did it can you?

Thinking

2007-01-05T15:17:00.000-08:00
I have to admit that I sit and think sometimes about why things happen. I know that I will never figure it out but it makes an interesting pastime. I have to say that with everything that has hit in my life the past few months that I am truly blessed to have my life and the family and friends in it. If I could go out and touch someone like I have been touched then I know I helped someone that may have been in desperate need of it. I am far from perfect and I may not always do the right things but I do try and I ask God to help me along the way. As I continue my life's journey and I reach out to help people around me I know that I am doing something that makes me feel better. so what if my life is hard with my God and my friends and family I know that in the end it will all be wonderful.

Goals

2007-01-01T12:12:00.000-08:00
As we start out the new year and get ready to go back to school I have made some goals and set some challenges for myself and I know that even if I do not fully complete the challenge I will have still succeeded because I tried. there are many things I would like to see done this year one is to lose some much needed weight, start working out and become closer with the God I serve. I am striving to seek Him and know Him and will continue to until He calls me home. I am striving to never be satisfied with my relationship I want it to grow and become stronger everyday. so as I go into this new year and finish it December 31 2007 I hope to accomplish some of these things. to keep going and learning and striving to reach the goal. instead of resolutions set goals. have a great and prosperous year.

spirit of christmas

2006-12-26T09:44:00.000-08:00
We had a good Christmas, I did not get my wish but, maybe someday I will. everything seems anti climatic and I feel a little disappointed. all of the hype for one day and then it comes and it is like every other day of the year. I understand it is the season and the excitment but for some reason it seems normal. we spend a lot of money on one day and then we start all over again. human nature. the feeling of Christmas should last all year round the joy and the warm wishes not just one month. so maybe this year I will try to keep it alive the whole year and see how it turns out.

My grownup Chirstmas wish

2006-12-18T13:35:00.000-08:00
I have only one wish this Christmas, that is for my family to have a place called home. I wrote a letter to Santa and asked him to forward it to God. someone asked me what my dream house would be and I said one that had four walls one to the north, south, east and west that was mine. I have been waiting and praying and hoping for about 9 months even before I found out I was not buying my house. the whole thing has been a mess for along time. the levels of stress and hopelessness overwhelming and yet I still have my dream of my home. so what I want this year my one Christmas wish is a home to hang my hat at and to call my own.

Listening

2006-12-14T11:52:00.000-08:00
It has been about1 year since the thought popped into my head this could be your last Christmas. I worried about it for about 6 months before I realized it may not actually happen. the thing is something did happen. and it got me thinking. was I listening correctly? was God trying to tell me at a point in my life to make things change for the better because I never know when He may call me home. my cousin died November, 2 2006 and it has put a real kink on my holiday. I have been thinking with all of the tragedies happening that no one could have for seen am I living the way God wants me to? am I asking your will and not mine? not always is my answer and trust me I am trying to change it so I can say yes I am doing the will of God. I have a mug that says "dear God I am ready to listen now" and that is my motto God I am here and I am ready to hear you talk to me. as Christmas comes I am hoping to spread Joy to those that really need it and with my new ears listen to the one who matters most.

Tug of war

2006-12-04T12:12:00.000-08:00
I have been thinking a lot about where I think God wants me to go and for some reason I am not able to figure that out. I have had times where I get in to no win tug of war with God only because my patience is somewhat short and I want answers now. although I think that God may like the tug of war because when we do end up in the mud and all dirty it brings life back in to perspective. we can wash the mud off and be okay but, we can not take back choices we make and admit it God will never end up in the mud because his will is stronger and more perfect than ours. so as we go in to this Christmas season think about what God wants us to do and not about what we want because it is a little cold outside to be getting all muddy .

Animals

2006-12-02T09:07:00.000-08:00
I am sitting here listening to Christmas music and watching Bunny being tempted by Frederick and my son in the background saying No No and Bunny doing a tight rope walk across my keyboard and then a front flip. very talented cat that one. as I watch Frederick enjoying his nice clean home free from the smell and nasty build up he is swimming happy. I like my beta he is relaxing to watch when I can keep his two Nemesis's away Bunny and Beautiful Butterfly
both which are cats named by my children and Bunny is a boy. my daughter thought of his name he is her cat. my sons cat is a girl (thank goodness) and he thought of Beautiful Butterfly. both cats are big pains getting in to my plants knocking them down eating them and wanting Frederick almost as bad as Sylvester wants Tweety
but then at night when the curl up at my feet and sleep or unfortunately at my head I think this is nice. cats can also be fun to watch Bunny chases his tail wrestles with Beautiful Butterfly although she can hold her own. anyway I guess I got off my subject and Now I can not remember what I was going to write. oh well have a fabulous day and enjoy your pets as much as you can.

Reflection

2006-12-01T09:29:00.000-08:00
It has been a long month. I am not sure I remember much except 1. I started writing my novel for nanowrimo very slowly at first 2. my cousin Passed away at the age of 33 and I miss her terribly. 3. I got up at an insane time to go shopping the day after thanksgiving. and 4. I won the nanowrimo contest among who knows how many other people. so my month was busy but those are what I remember about it. as we head in to the last month of the year I reflect on the last 11 months November is one down but what about the rest? most of the year has passed in such a whirlwind that few things come to mind for instance in June the end of it I was informed that I was not really buying my home and now I have to move. July well happy 4Th and happy anniversary to me 11 years. August I went back to work as a bus driver. September I got diagnosed with migraines that resembled brain tumors and boy did my life flash before my eyes although it turns out that I do not have a tumor but classic migraines with chronic daily headaches. and this 6 weeks after the original diagnosis. so now I know I am okay I still have to move but have no clue where and my Christmas list is almost done so even though I don't recall all of this year I have accomplished a lot and that is a good thing. so going into December remember reach for the sky love the ones you can you never know when you might lose one and always look to the future with anticipation not dread. I do not know where I will live but, as long as I am with my family I will be okay.

Self discovery

2006-11-12T10:52:00.000-08:00
While I go about my life trying to figure out why things happen I realize I am still figuring me out. I have two web sites and both take time and a part of me to put together. I try to live my life in the way I should and I find myself failing. AS the holidays approach I am finding myself in a mood that is unusual for me. I love the holidays I listen to Christmas music and drink eggnog lattes what could be better? I feel something is missing it could just be the stress I have been feeling or it could be I am up to my ears in writing. I entered the nanowrimo with my friend Reese and I am plugging away. I want to write and see it published and this is forcing me to actually get a book written. I know that I will have to go back and tweak and change things to make it perfect but I am doing it. Once this is done and I hit the 50,000 word mark I can say I accomplished something and I am proud of it. I have lots of things I still need to learn but, I am on my way on a journey of self discovery and I hope I like what I find. on one of my sites called the prayer journal I have added a blog just one more thing for me to do but I love to think and so when I think I write. have a great day .

Peace, Hope and Faith

2006-10-20T16:14:00.000-07:00
Hello to any and everyone that reads my blogs. Sorry it has been a while since I have been here. I have been doing a lot of thinking about life and the things That happen. I Thought I had a brain tumor or at least that is what the Dr thought. It made me think about how I have lived my life. I am not where I want to be and I am not so sure how to change that. I believe to a point that we make our success but the one that really makes us or breaks us is God and during my struggle I have almost slipped away again not really meaning to but just in fear and frustration, I know that My God is in control and no matter what happens He will carry me when I need him to. My life is not mine but His and as long as I can remember that I will be okay. A while back I talked about hero's and again in the midst of my fear God was there for me so in my life I have two hero's God and my best friend in the whole world Reese. She helped me a great deal and gave me comfort and I will always be grateful to her for that. God sends people and gives things when He sees the need not when we see the need so I have peace about yesterday faith for today and hope for tomorrow.

Challenges

2006-09-27T08:39:00.000-07:00
How often do we meet the challenges that come at us everyday? Think about it everyday a new challenge comes and sometimes I think we just don't want to face them. So we turn around and ignore them. Challenge brings change and with change brings the unknown. I know that I have a hard time with change and that makes me wary of whats to come. I try to face my challenges and to show them that I am willing to see what is coming. Life is a challenge and most people choose to live it everyday and to see whats around the corner. We live our lives with an excitement and adventure but, we seem to dread other things. Why not see all challenges as adventures and maybe some good will come out of it. I know the challenge of life is a hard one to do especially after the loss of a loved one. And when a child is involved their whole world is upside down, but those that take the challenge and go on are stronger people for it.

Teachers

2006-09-25T14:03:00.000-07:00
I wanted to be a teacher but, due to some things I was not able to. The teachers I have come across today are not what I had when I was in school. My teachers at least most of them really cared for the students themselves not the paycheck. I am finding fewer and fewer teachers that love to teach for the pure enjoyment of it. What ever happened to when you teach you touch the future. I feel maybe the "old" pros are worn out and just do not have what it takes any more. That in my book is setting a child up for failure. It will mean more work for the child and more frustrations too especially if the child is struggling already. The no child left behind act is a good one but it needs to be enforced develope more programs for the individual needs of the kids in school today instead of throwing them in as a whole. Not every kid is the same but the system that is place seems to think it is and I for one am sick of seeing smart kids left behind. Where will our future be if our kids do not succeed?